I think i know.. How she died!!!

So the other day as i sat there an idea came into my head after seeing a friend of mine upload a scan picture of her little one who has a possibility of having downs syndrome. It turns out they test for downs syndrome is the test the fluid behind the neck like the picture below...

Then i remembered my baby had fluid behind her neck.....

so i got out my photos and you can clearly see the fluid!!

This is a better view of an online picture to see

So this made me check my scan photo.. and sure enough you can see something..

Can you see the line behind her head? 

its making me wonder if she was downs syndrome

then i noticed she has the almond shape eyes...

I kept saying how beautiful her eyes were... love her! So perfect...

You can clearly see the fluid behind her neck here...

I find it a little better now knowing that she had something wrong rather then know it was me.. or worry it was me! 

at least this way i can kinda relax!

im slowly not hating the world anymore.. like they say everything happens for a reason! :( sucks to be honest    i should be like 14 weeks! and instead im not! :( things are slowly feeling better and its been 2 weeks tomorrow!!! thats so horrible ive had nearly 3 weeks to get us to not being pregnant and 2 weeks of knowing she existed! 

I miss her...

Thank you for reading

take care and much Love xxxx

What's this feeling? Ohh yes i remember, Normal..

So i NEVER thought id say this but i actually am beginning to feel normal!!

Who would have thought? 10 days after my princess said hello and goodbye, I feel okay..

I still have odd moments where i think OMG this is so awful, BUT... a big BUT.. I beginning to see now that although it was an awful thing to happen, It happened for the right reasons and i no longer hate the world... :D 

Who would have thought a week ago things could change so dramatically! Im not really feeling depressed or sa im just feeling normal... Im not feeling anything i wouldnt say im happy but i wouldnt say im sad neither.. I suppose this is a good thing.. I also feel like im doing some positive rather then making everything a negative. 

Ive had talks with abortion agencies who have asked to see the pictures and Ive spoken to campaigners called ONE SONOGRAPHER on facebook who have also said they may use the pictures for there talks around the country and America... So my baby wil be changing lives.. I also wanna help people go through awful stages of such a loss.. So im sorry if you have lost a baby and ive sent u a message wishing love and best wishes its not me being a nosey cow! lol But i know how nice and reassuring it was to have those messages from people just to say we havent forgotten you and sending love.. Random acts of kindness.. 

I hope people do think differently about loss after this... ive had alot negative comments like

" it wasn't even a baby!"

"why dont you have another one?"

"why are you grieving over something you never had?"

my argument to all those negative comments is 

it wasnt even a baby?? 

if a single cell was discovered in another planet scientist would say "we have found life on another planet" 

so why is a cell in a pregnancy considered a life???

to why dont you have another one? if your mum/dad/sister or nan died would you be able to just call someone else by that name..? and just forget about them? No, because to you there were your parent sibling or grandparents same as us! That was our baby and we cannot replace it! it is not a shoe that you lose and OH ITS OKAY ILL BUY ANOTHER PAIR... its not like that! 

why are you grieving over something you never had!!!

Ok imagine this..... You win the lottery you plan in your mind what your gunna do with all that lovely money! you plan practically your whole life... your told in 3 months you can have it on this day it will be yours! 

You have 3 months of planning your life.. then on that 3 month on that day you people take the money and you never hear another word!!! theres no one you can blame and your annoyed! cos you have planned all this stuff you wanted to do!!!

Thats how it is for us! we had plans for our children.. regardless of if they were here or not you still had plans some as you and your money!! 

So please be careful of what you say to people... 

I hope your all well and this is just a quick one to say im doing well and much love to you all xxxxxxx

Sooo The Product Of Pregnancy Remains!! :(

So today was my day to see the doctors and have yet another scan....
I waited in the waiting room and with my mum and both the girls as my appointment was at 9am.
I sat there and waited and wondering what they were gunna say. Last time i was here i had lost the baby and i never knew what was coming! This time no excitement of will i see my baby... just the cold hard reality that infact there is nothing there.

Sophie started bugging my mum to take her toilet and mum took her but Savannah wanted to stay with me!
I said to savannah, Sod's law says the minute she goes i will be called and you cant go in lol

Withen 30 seconds i heard Scarlett come through ... typical lol

I took savannah and hoped my mum would know we have been called in.. i went to the same bath room and changed into this towel... the same towel on the back of the door.. knowing that same of my happiness moments in this pregnancy was in that bathroom when i remember looking in the mirror in the bathroom and looking at my belly thinking wow! Your alive in there.... and now looking thinking that seems like a distance memory!!

i went and sat in the big chair and put my legs in the holder and she started the scan the whole time i could hear the lady making small talk with Savannah and Savannah just chatting away...
I didnt even realise it would be that quick but before i even had a chance to look at the screen she tilted it and said "It looks like there is still retained product of pregnancy!" she measured it all out and all i remember thinking was wow 38.7mm thats bigger then my baby ever was!
She said right just go and put a towel around you and go get changed and we can talk about your options.

The whole time i was in the bathroom all i could think of is wanting to show them pictures of my baby and let them see what "a bunch of cells" look like..

When i came out the bathroom i said to the ladies who performed my scan "can i show you something?" they  said yes  i told them i wanted to show them what my bunch of cells looked like.. and they said no dear its a baby i told them the doctors there didnt care! and they told me to flush her down the toilet. I showed them a picture and straight away one of the ladies (the same lady who scanned me at 5 weeks) said THATS A GIRL LOOK... and pointed out her little bits... even though i kinda guessed already and all the dreams ive had she was a girl it was lovely to have a professional confirm it!!! :D Finally my little princess! feels nicer saying it!

They just said how beautiful and how peaceful she looked and how wonderful and amazing it can be when it goes well... which i agree is true we have living proof all around us everyday!

I was told that i could either wait and see if the piece comes away by it self or i could have another pill to get rid of the last bit! I didnt want the pill i was in so much pain before and im a wuss no way did i want that pain again!! they told me that although i would be in pain it would be no where near what it was..  I told them id leave it to see if it came away by it self she made me another scan date for 2nd june and that was it, i left and was free to do my own thing!

Once i left i texted a friend of mine called Brooke who has also been through this before and she told me that she caught an infection and it wasnt very nice and she wishes she got it all over instead of having it drag out for ages! Having heard this it made me realise that maybe i did need to take the tablets to get final bits out! but i needed to take the girls to school, So i took them in and decided to go back! I knew i was in for a bloody long wait! So i told mum to head home and leave me there and ill call her once ive been seen. She dropped me off and i headed straight upstairs.. What a bit of luck i get in the lift to go up to the ward and the women who done my scan was in the lift! I told her i changed my mind and she was brilliant said she would speak to the doctor to sort it out for me!

I sat upstairs for maybe 10-15 minutes and the doctor called me in.. spoke about the tablet i know it all anyway same old thing i took the tablet and left!!

its now 9.10pm and still nothing ive had a fair bit of pain that comes and goes but no blood well not clots anyway!! its not looking good is it!!! :(

Well ill update you more tomorrow

take care all
Much Love xxxx

Guilt is my middle name...

So today has been a week since my little lady was born and i feel like i need to start moving on , But i dont think i can.. Yesterday was the first day that i havent cried, i did get teary eyed a couple of times but havent actually cried. Which is good i guess.. but then i feel guilty for not crying... i dont want her to be watching me and thinking "God my mummy isnt even upset..."
 But then a friend told me something that made alot of sense she said... its okay to feel okay...
and it makes me feel abit better.

Last night i had a dream that she was born and she was fine and when i woke up this morning i was looking for her.. it was sooo weird!!! it felt SOO REAL!!! Honestly i woke up devastated and nearly in tears at the thought it wasnt real!! :(

Im having mad moments where im thinking this christmas is going to be rubbish i can tell.. I should have a one month old baby at christmas and now im gunna have nothing!!! :( just a memory of my tiny baby!!! Its gunna be so heartbreaking knowing whats happened!

I asked james if he would ever consider having another baby, And he told me no! :( and he seems so genuine that he would never have another one! At first i was like "Nope never again, i couldnt cope if it happened again id be suicidal " But now im beginning to think that if we did have another one and the worst did happen again at least i know she wouldnt be alone up there.. and she would have someone else to be with... But james is adamant never again :(

I dont wanna feel like id be replacing her... BUT i do think that we could try again once this is all over!

So on to the gory subject, Its been a week and i am still bloody bleeding do you know how fed up i am now of bleeding!!!!
The only thing thats really getting on my nerves is the smell! IT IS AWFUL... it smells of rotting i called the hospital who told me it was normal to have that awful smell towards the end of it! But this is bleeding with no end in site! i cant imagine ever not bleeding again! Ive gone through about 9 packs of 12 always sanitary towels in just over a week!!!
I have hospital on tuesday for my scan to make sure everything is out and i have the worst feeling everything is still gunna be inside!ive passed the worse clots in the early days and every other day ill pass lots of gunk! but other then that its just brown manky horrible smelling blood!

BUT ON A BRIGHTER NOTE!

Theres a psychic night at one of the local pubs and to say i really wanna go is an understatement!!! I wanna go and see a clairvoyant and say if they have anything to say! id love my little sienna to come through! i would be in tears and thats not exaggeration you do not know how excited id be! i just wanna know she is okay and being taken care of! thats all i need to know before i could move on and know she is safe!

Im gunna start heading out aswell this week i need to start getting back in touch with normality i cant remember the last time i spoke to someone with normal conversation without having all that worry!
so school run tomorrow it shall be. And im meant to have a friend come over tomorrow im very worried about that! i dont wanna sit there in tears! but we shall see!

Thank you to everyone who has read these and given me support i thank you from the bottom of my heart
im going to keep them going maybe not everyday but to fill you all in on how im getting on and whats happening.. please feel free to contact me or just send me a message...

Much Love to you all... xxxxx
 

Coming to terms with reality...

So its been 1 week and 3 days since my whole world pretty much ended and its been 5 days since i met my tiny princess. The last week and a bit have been a total blur, i couldn't tell you whats happened this last week as everything has been a everywhere..

Things have been a bit all over the place. i still haven't left the house, i still dont really wanna see anyone.. even the friends im closest too i dont wanna see! I think its the whole idea of sitting there and have to be strong and put on the brave face, Im not the sort to break down in tears or really show much emotions in front of people.. so to have to sit there and say im fine is just something i cant do right now!

Id rather people just ignore the subject.. not that i want her forgotten but i dont want people to really mention it.. unless i bring it up. That sounds so mean..

James asked me yesterday if i was gunna go to the school eventually as he has been taking them and mum picking them up.. BUT, i can imagine it all in my head now.. Someones gunna say "Hi how are you? i heard your news, im so sorry.. how you feeling about it all?" and in reality you just say "Oh thanks, im okay coming to terms with it all, but thanks for asking " ... but the way im feeling right now.. i know id say something like " well to be honest i feel like im dying, its the worst thing in the whole world!" But i cant imagine that going down to well.. so i think until the anger stage is over or im learning how to be "normal" again... and im using the term normal loosely as ive never actually been called normal lol But until its over i cant go!

Im slowly seeing that it wasn't my fault and its just a sad thing that happens and so often to the wrong people!
But ive realized it wasn't my body that done it, infact my body was bloody brilliant, it held on to her till the very last minute... it was just a sad twist of fate.. and she obviously wasnt strong enough to hold in there which could of caused her problems in later life..

I know people are saying im blaming myself.. which in some way is true... but i dont think i am, i think im just questioning what it was that made it happen.. And also alot of people dont remember its only been a couple of days! im not gunna "get over it" right away... i dont think you ever get over something so hard and horrible you just learn to live with it... the past couple of couple of days ive felt like i havent been living ... ive been existing in a world thats moving on without me and ive been stuck in my own little bitter world! Yesterday i didnt write in the blog i didnt have much to say there is only so much you can read about how someone is so depressed! Its not nice!

But on a better note, Although ive started to see who my real friends are. Ive actually made some really really good friends through this horrible journey! Its sad how you make such good friendships out of such a sad situations but i suppose meeting people in the lowest time you know they are always gunna be there when they have seen you at your lowest! xxx

I made my daughter a memory box yesterday it was beautiful i put all her bits in there its lovely to look at. I also wanted to print out the pages of these blogs and put it in there as if anything ever happened to the website id lose everything :( , so im gunna put it all in her box... its so sad to think her whole existence fits in a little box.. And i also printed out some of her photos and put them in a frame in my front room/living room.. James has told me not to do it and how its very upsetting to see, BUT its our daughter if people are offended in my house then dont come in! i havent put them in public places and ive warned people but posting them on here.. but in my house its my house i can put what i want up! <3

Hope everyone is well take care and much love xxxx

Im missing you so much- I cant cope!

To mummies little princess,

I wish i could explain to you just what i feel.. I feel like im dying... every part of me is hating the world today.. i cant bring myself to be happy.. why did you have to leave baby.. what made your heart just stop? i keep looking at your hospital letters from the scan and clear as anything - fetal heart - present! and what point did it become absent.. I cant stop thinking of everything it could of been.. was it carrying the shopping home once? was it when i met the girls in town for a coke? bet i left so soon and was there half hour drank one coke and left... was it when i cleaned the house or cleaned the rabbit hutch... i dont know what i did to make you go...

I dont think i can get by. Someone said to me, once you have another one it gets easier?? How, will i suddenly forget you existed because i have someone else in my womb.. will my dreams of being a mother of three suddenly be perfect again... I dont think so.. cos from day one i didnt think of the bouncy baby at the end of it.. i didnt think oh i cant wait to dress you up and take you out... I wondered, Is she gunna have curly hair or straight hair? will she laugh like her sisters when i pretend to sneeze? i wonder what type of personality is she gunna have? So no it wont get better because i didnt want a "baby" i wanted you!! And only you!

Why me? What have i ever done? Ive always been kind, considerate and caring.. if it means going with out so someone can have something id do it.. if i had a tenner to last me a week and someone needed it. I wouldnt think twice before giving it to them..Ive made friends with everyone no one talks to the real hard people to get to know give them all my time and effort into making there lives better for them to become popular and never speak to me again.. but i still found pleasure in helping them. Id do it over and over again because i knew i was making a difference and making someones life better. Ive sat for hours trying to rescue mice the cats brought in.. ive sat for days and night hand feeding baby rabbits to help them live.. I've even walked round tesco's with baby rabbits down my bra to help them keep there heat when there mums rejected them... and this is how god re pays me? Ask him why?

Why take you? there's murderers, rapist and child molesters out there? wasting our air and you werent given your chance? How is this fair? who decides these rules? when you meet them tell them they suck!

I cant help but hate the world since you've gone.. ive always found the goodness in everything but losing you is making me bitter... im changing! I dont wanna change but i cant help it i just hate everything!

i went shopping today to buy you a box a memory box i decorated it and filled it with all your bits and i thought maybe it would help but it didnt.. infact it made it worse that everything to prove you existed fitted in a tiny box! :(

GOD I MISS YOU... i miss you so much its making me sick!

i keep rubbing my belly for reassurance and instead of feeling warm and fuzzy to know you are growing safely i look down and just see nothing, Nothing but a cold and empty stomach with no love or warmth i cant imagine feeling that love again...

I wish i could talk to you! i wish i could hold your hands or tickle those tiny feet and let you know how much i love you and tell you just how much you have changed my life!
I promise you, you wont die in vain baby.. i promise you even if i have to make it my lifes work.. You will save lives.... you will change lives... you will make people feel better i promise you...

To the world you may be one person
But to me, You was the world... <3

its been a week today since i was told you had a heartbeat and you was fine, What happened? What happening?.....

-------------------

Burying our baby and hating the world!

I seriously just dont know how ive been so good with everything so far ive woke up in such a bad mood!
Firstly it started off with checking my little princess to see she has shrunk even more so... :(
I dont think she could last any longer :( James's mum said we could use the family burial plot so i thought maybe that was a good idea as we could have a proper place to go and visit her! BUT she could only do it on Sunday so i said to james why dont we do it ourselves because she is just falling apart :(

So he phoned her and luckily she said we could do it tonight after work! So as James was off today we decided to go out and buy my little lady her box... Trying to find something perfect yet small enough was proving to be hard work.. we ended up getting her a plan brown box which i decided to paint cream and gold... but it didnt go to well so i ended up painting it all gold.... and it looked beautiful... I decided i also wanted to put her inside something else not just in a box.. so i bought a small heart trinket box.. and decided to paint it pink... it was beautiful here is a picture once it was finished ...

It did look beautiful even if i do say so myself.. it was perfect for my little princess...

I asked the girls to draw her a picture and i also wrote a letter myself i know she cant read it but i wanted her to have something from me to her....

here are the letters...

And the girls drew her this...

I then included a picture of us..

 Now she has a photo of me and her dad and her sisters :(

But she shouldnt have photos she should be growing in my belly and ready to meet them in 5 months !!! :(

I took some more pictures although she has shrunk she looks so beautiful still i cant get over how beautiful she is....

Look at those tiny feet....

Look at her cheeky smile and tiny little fingers.

Look at how much she has shrunk :(

Once i got her out the water and put her on the blanket to go in the heart.. she tucked her knees up and tucked her hands under her face its like she knew that was her bed and she was going to sleep...

Sleep tight little angel...

inside her box her heart that her tiny body is in.. and her little cow that was with her cow and get book.. some photos of us her letters and her drawings ...

and on the outside of the box i put

here is where my baby now lays

Here comes the bitter part!

How is this justice? How can someone just take my baby... why wasnt she even given a chance... i hate everything and i hate everyone... im feeling so horrible today... ive done nothing but cry..

When we drove to the cemetery i just sat there... i felt like i wasnt taking in anything around me anything that was said... i was numb... its so weird to not feel nothing! i didnt feel angry hurt upset i just felt nothing...

while james was digging this hole i thought why is she in there... in this tiny gold box in hand... she shouldnt be in there in a years time we should be here and james should be saying lets lay some flowers for grandad and let him meet his newest grandchild! But instead she is meeting her grandad now!! WHY? why did this happen? I did everything by the book... honestly i really did..

i dont drink nor smoke i took all the vitamins.. i didnt eat the wrong food's.. i ate things i hate just to get the right levels of iron and things that where needed! BUT no instead god had other plans! I done all the blood tests to see if everything was okay... but No.. it obviously wasnt meant to be.. although my arguement today is , if  it wasnt meant to be then i wouldnt have got pregnant!!! ... I know im hating the world :*(

Tonight i dont know how to feel it feels so odd not having my baby here...but im glad she is at peace... I dont really know what to say today...

Ill write another one tomorrow...

Much Love
xxx

The Day After Yesterday! Yesterday Continued...

So after yesterday im still getting over everything that happened..

My first thought when i woke up this morning was OMG IS SHE OKAY...

But maybe i should carry on with yesterdays story... i was so eager to upload her photos i didnt really tell half the story and i wanted everyone going through this to know how it was horrible it was and how much pain it was. Ill try and describe everything to the best of my ability...

So once she came out and my mum had left i just sat there staring at her.. and wondering what happens next?
I still hadn't taken the other tablets and as she was out i didnt know if i needed to or not!
So i decided to phone to local EPAU (early pregnancy assessment unit) and ask for there advice.. they told me i had to take the other tablets as i needed to get all the rest out! :( So i took our daughter down stairs and changed her into another tub and smaller pink one! A more girlie one... I took the tablets and the pain began again almost instantly :(  but i just sat there trying to push through the pain.. the girls kept coming over to see what i was messing about with so secretively in the corner and i thought do i show them, i didnt wanna upset them but maybe seeing her would explain where she went , rather then one day "Oh im pregnant she is gunna look like this, and she is gunna sleep here, and you have to be good cos mummy needs to rest cos babies growing ... to oh the baby went to heaven..... " Maybe showing them would be good.. so i called them over and said to them..

"you know the medicine mummy had to take, well that medicine made our baby come and see us before she goes to heaven.."

they sat there in amazement and just stared at this tiny baby.. is was nice to have all my children in one room probably one of the last times it would happen :(

I Still hadnt touched her at this point, i wanted too but was just so worried incase i hurt her or something happened to her... But slowly i got the courage to put my finger in the water and slowly touch her hand... and then i thought im gunna pour the water into my hand and let her sit in my hand... :(
as i did i couldnt help but worry.. but as the water trickled into the palm of my hand and she glided onto it.. i was in shock she was like Jelly.. as if you got some jelly in the palm of your hand.. withen second i could feel the coldness... it was like holding ice... :( I couldnt do it anymore and put her back... and as much as i love her.. and there honestly are no words in the world that could explain how much i love her.. :(

I feel so bad that i couldnt hold her.. but im not strong enough... i put her in back in the little pink tub and put her on the window seal out of reach so no one could touch her im just so worried about dropping her or moving her... or knowing what to do with her.. im so scared! :(

Later that evening the blood continued so bad... i was told if i filled more then 3 sanitry pads an hour to go to  the hospital.. but i didnt want to.. In totual i done 14 pads in about 6 hours.. and im feeling really weak at this stage but im not being away from my babies any of them.. for me to go hospital.. for them to stick me in a bed with a drip i dont think so.. I kept running to toilet and they told me i was gunna pass clots but my god! This wasnt clots they were really big.. so big i actually had to push to get them out.. you could feel like jelly being pushed through then suddenly youd hear it hit the water! :( it was disgusting..

i decided after hours of continuous bleeding that i should just go and have a bath to ease the pain... but after 5 minutes of being in the bath it was full of clots and the water was a horrible yellowy colour!
the girls come up to see if i was okay cos all i could do is breathe through the pain.. they were in so much shock.. at the ammount of blood.. although having them there was good because it took my mind of it everything going on!i decided to get out the bath as i just couldnt cope i felt so weak my skin was so pale and i genuinely believed i was dying! i showered myself off to get all the blood off and just got out the bath and started drying myself off and then Sophie my youngest said MUM THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE...

The blood had poured down my legs... it covered my cream carpet and i was just in so much shock i had just got out the bath and now im covered again!!! i re showered myself and i just couldnt get the blood to stop so i had to put the knickers on in the shower they were soaked! :( i just cleaned the carpet and got in bed to relax! I thought id start writing this blog.. one to take my mind off of it.. and two cos i wanna remember everything the way it was.. i started writing the blog and just as i was gunna finishing.. i heard my cat outside fighting with another cat so i shouted down to james to sort it out.. he didnt answer and the girls were getting upset and worried incase it hurt him... i got up and went down to the garden to get him in when i got back to our kitchen all of a sudden a massive and i know mean was bigger then the palm of my hand clot fell out and the floor was completely covered in blood it was dripping all the way down me and it looked like id be murdered my daughter came down cos james was to busy being sick! he hates blood..
Sophie came down and she was so upset she even run up and told  my eldest i was dying! both my girls where in tears... they wouldnt come near me james had to sort them out there really was so much blood!!!!

i managed to get some knickers that my eldest brought me down and some new pads and just washed the floor down and at this stage james was begging me to go to the hospital.. but i insisted i wasnt going...

I cleaned myself up and went up to bed.. and that was my day over...

_____________________________________________________________________________

Today ive woke up still in a fair bit of pain but the blood has stopped more or less thank god im not surprised as i dont think i could of lost anymore blood! im still in some pain and its still really low down i hope the pain stops soon though i dont think i could cope anymore :(

Ive been in a bit of bad mood as some people i find are just very rude! And i hate most people anyway lol so when im so angry i hate people even more so! :( Its little silly comments that make me upset..
i know i shouldnt but i cant help but take comments to heart... which is mad cos anyone who knows me will tell you im very thick skinned but for some reason this week ive been a crying wreck i can understand cos im going through alot.. And i dont think maybe its hit me totally whats actually happening but i need to take notice soon enough..

So for now baby is still in my little pink tub.. we have decided to bury her with james's family... they have a little plot so we are putting her there. So tomorrow im gunna head out and buy something for her to go in.. like a nice box... im gunna put her teddy and some family photos in it with her.. as she is my beautiful little princess i only want the best for her...
Ive been looking online to find something perfect for her! But i just cant see anything that matches how lovely or how loved she was...

Im feeling very ill today.. i have no energy the blood loss is really getting to me.. my mum saw me earlier and said how ill i looked! i know i look ill cos im so pale.. but i dont care! normally i love my make up and being seen with nice hair and looking nice.. but my attitude is changing and im just thinking if someone seeing me without make up and looking rough is the worst thing that ever happened to me id be a lucky women!
Hearing people moan about little things is making me realize how much i didnt appreciate my life.. id be one those people who would always be like OMG THIS HAPPENED IT WAS THE WORSE THING EVER!  How wrong was i?

this just feels like a bad dream i cant awake from i sometimes wonder if im gunna wake up in a minute and it would all be over and none of it was real.... Its amazing how much your body can love something....

Words cant explain how much love i have for her!

I saw this poem on a friend of mines wall...

They say there is a reason,They say that time will heal,But neither time nor reason,Will change the way I feel,For no-one knows the heartache,That lies behind our smiles,No-one knows how many times,We have broken down and cried,We want to tell you something,So there won't be any doubt,You're so wonderful to think of,But so hard to be withoutand its soo fitting..

I love you Sienna my little lady nothing will ever change that no matter the time or distance my love for you will never change xxxx


Much Love to you all xxxxx

Baby Sienna - WARNING GRAPHIC PHOTOS..

So as normal Im gunna start with how everything been today.. and ill add the photos later...

So last night about 11pm i starting getting a dull ache really low down in my fanny... more along the bikini line...
I didnt think much off it so decided to leave it and just go bed..
I knew i had my medical management today so just thought if it happens by itself then even better...

So i woke this morning and had what could only be described as a brownish dis charge.. but it wasnt like you expect it was more watery substance.. I thought this is the start of it.. i started getting that dull ache back again and slight back ache but nothing alarming. A little while later i noticed what could be described as more brown discharge but with a little bubble of jelly blood in the middle. I carried on getting ready and Me and James dropped off the girls to my mums and made our way to the hospital as i had an appointment at 11am...

We got to the hospital and went straight to the front desk and told them i was there for the last step of my medical management. They sent me straight in a room and she came in withen minutes took my blood pressure which was perfect and told me that the pills could start something withen minutes to 2 weeks! I laughed and said to james "i bet its me that has it for two weeks!!" she told me to walk around and come back in 30 minutes to re check blood pressure and that was it!

To be honest nothing happened no pain no blood no nothing! Went back and was checked and told i was allowed to leave! :D I was happy but also feeling really bad that i was looking forward to getting her out of me and just having this part over! She gave me the box of tablets and told me that i took the first two at 12 so the next two where due at 4pm and i had to take them.

Once i was home it all happened fairly quickly.. i went to the loo and wiped and there was a fair bit of blood.. i needed to take my second lot of pills 4 hours later so i just waited then all of a sudden BANG... the pain and OMG.. i am the biggest wimp ever... I dont care what people say that is painfull... i sat there and every now and then id feel what only could be described as popping inside me.. not like bubbles but ripping.. like if you was to rip a plaster off.. that feeling of your skin being pulled thats what i felt.... EWWW i hated it...

I phoned my mum to tell her how i was feeling and the pain and hung up and then withen about 1 hour of the first pain... i was on the phone again and i said to my mum i wish it would just happen!!! and then all of sudden a POP... i said to my mum omg this massive pop in my belly as i opened my legs slightly to adjust my pad ( gross i know sorry about the tmi lol ) all the water and blood gushed out!!! OMFG.. "mum, i think thats my waters." i run to the loo and the blood was everywhere.. i mean EVERYWHERE.. on the sink, my arms, legs toilet seat and floor.. Needless to say i have alot of cleaning to do lol... All of it come out and i sat there for about half hour! till it stopped then... i realised that i hadnt taken the other tablet and it was nearly 4.30pm so i called james up and asked him to bring me the tablets and some milk... He brought them up and knocked at the bath room door... ..............

I got up to open the door and all i heard was something hit the water... Without thinking i looked.. and all of a sudden i could see this TINY.. baby.. i burst into tears just shouting NO NO NO, I DIDNT WANNA SEE THIS!!! James was like whats wrong???? i said, she is there! he looked in the toilet in shock!!! She was there this tiny tiny baby.. with ten fingers and ten toes...Just sitting on top of all this paper which was covered in blood and there was my tiny baby! My Baby... My Baby...

I called my mum and she just said "Scarlett, Im sure she looks like a real baby, cos you know what she is meant to look like!" I said no, she is sooo real.. she is a real baby.. and she said im coming over! to see the baby and see if your okay... I think she could tell how upset i was.

Apart of me couldnt bare to look at her... Because what if she looked horrible, or what if she had bits missing how could i live with knowing that.. But i couldnt bare to leave her there so i got the nearest clean tub i could find and picked her up while trying to get her... all i could say was..

Im so sorry baby, Im so sorry....

I know ive done nothing wrong but i couldnt believe that my child was in the toilet... dead... the child that i planned her whole future.. an the same toilet i found out i was having her.. and then hit me.. This is the only day for the rest of my life that me and my daughter will be in the same room... Ive met my daughter... through the tears i sat there just staring at her.... My baby was here! My baby was in my hands.. 6 months too early these tiny fingers should be holding my hand... but instead there in a lid ...and un aware that im even touching her!!!.. :( i was so scared to touch her incase she broke or i hurt her fragile body but eventually i did she was soo cold.. my poor baby...

Suddenly my mum turned up and when she saw her she was nearly in tears.. she just said OMG SHE IS REAL... she is so amazing looking! im in ore of how wonderful she looked...

When my mum left i just sat  there the pain had gone and the blood was just unbelievable..

Ive never seen so much blood in my whole life!

Ive kept my baby in a jar, until i sort something out tomorrow im thinking of burying her.. oh and also i checked her and i could see the beginnings of a fanny lol So my little lady she is.. I knew it all along...

Other then whats happened i cant really tell you very much the blood is unbelievable.. the pain is very very intense... even now at 9.30pm the blood and the severe clotting is still going strong! Im in agony to be honest.. writing this keeps my mind off the pain... below are some the photos of today...

Ive taken random photos of everything so anyone going through this knows what to look for.. ive looked online for images earlier of the beginnings of a miscarriage and i found nothing! So maybe this can help people....

Ive also included picture of My daughter so if you dont wanna see please dont look.. Some might find it upsetting... xxx

This is the light brown discharge it started with...

When the blood first started..

My tiny baby...

Well ive had one busy mad day so im gunna leave you all and hope i havent upset you all too much..

Much Love

XXX

Im dying inside and nobody knows it but me....

So today i have spent most of the day crying..
I think its been one of those days where everything is slowly kicking in...

When i woke i started to notice a couple of things, My stomachs gone flat again.. okay not too flat cos im a big girl lol but flatter then it was ill upload a picture later... And also my boobs have changed! it very scary how quickly after taking the tablets ive noticed my hormones gone down! the physical changes are unreal..

and then this morning i had a big melt down, i suppose you could call it.. Just sat there thinking, why me?

Im sure this is normal and every one thinks it but today im hating the world and feeling rather like, Arrrggghhh i hate everything! and Everyone.. Ive basically since losing the baby cut myself of from the world! i dont really wanna speak to anyone or see anyone.. i have a few friends that i speak to but i dont wanna speak to anyone else.. i dont know why! I suppose a part of it is putting on a brave face and the "oh yes im fine" sort of thing...
Dont get me wrong im not sitting there crying every minute of the day ive managed to keep my sanity.. Some what anyway lol...

I think part of me hating the world today is because of my partner! As much as i love him.. I dont get how he can get over such a loss so soon... This morning we had a bit of a thing well not so much an argument but just a a thing.. My youngest daughter brought over my scan picture and past it to my partner who just said to her... throw it in the bin! and leave it alone! i was fuming... so heartless its the only proper picture we have of our baby and he just doesnt care!
I told him he dares throw or even touch my photo, and ill kill him! And by god i meant it.. with the anger im feeling this week he does not wanna even look at my picture! lol

After that i took myself up stairs and just sat there in tears thinking how can he be so heartless! Then i just thought does he not realize although that baby wasn't "technically" a real baby.. to me it was..

And although we didnt get to look after her, I have because for the last 3 months i have spent my time and love and effort making sure my baby was safe, making sure that i took the right vitamins.. And when i was really ill, i put my child before myself and didnt take medicine because it wasn't safe so i sat there in agony for many days because of me and the love i have for my child... so please dont tell me im over reacting and that i cant miss something ive never had.. because it was ME who looked after her, it was ME who felt her growing... it was ME who went to the scans and appointments .. so dont make me feel like i shouldnt grieve because to me ive lost my child... The moment that test said positive i became a mother of 3... And ill always be a mum of 3.....

I just sat there and thought how can he not understand how im dying inside... to feel so empty and useless.. its mad isn't it.. then i remembered that song. Nobody Knows It But Me... By Babyface..
So i put it on my phone and thats it i sat in tears thinking about how awful everything was!
I dread to think how tomorrow is going to be...

So thinking about it... although ive miscarried i should maybe  explain whats happened im not brushing over the gory stuff its just nothing happened!  Ive had no pain no blood no spotting no nothing... My body is not letting going of my baby... Even after taking these tablets nothing....Im hoping that tomorrow will be the day it happens!

So tomorrow i have my final pill of my medical management, Im very very so worried.. I just dont wanna see anything cos i know something like that would haunt me for life! So i cant even begin to imagine what its going to be like. :( They said after the last pill the bleeding and contractions should start withen 30 minutes! Oh how is it going to be... Although im sure the physical pain will be nothing compared to the mental pain of it... :(

So as i promised i said i would upload the picture of how much my stomach has gone down :(

This first picture in the white top was at 11 weeks        In black was today 3 weeks after miscarriage

So as you can see its going down very quickly!  Poor baby.. Obviously wasn't meant to be..

Well thank you for reading and ill update tomorrow and let you know how i got on...

xxx Much Love xxx
     

Good Night God Bless... <3

Day 3 - choosing medical management

So today i should be 11 weeks...
But instead i am no weeks pregnant!

I woke up feeling today would be the day she made her very early appearance and it would all be over.. but as i woke and checked nothing.. not even a dot of blood, zilch!
So i decided i needed to go down the hospital and ask now for the medical management...
Each day ive waited and waited hoping that it would happen naturally and that if the hospital was right it would happen naturally but 3 days on, of tearing myself apart with "is it now? ohh is this something?" i cant handle it any more...

I decided to have a shower once kids went to school and start getting ready for what today held...
As i was in the shower all i could think of is.. "i hope the re-scan me before they go through with it, i need to make sure" i had this whole speech planned for the people in how they need to remember that although this is there job and they do it everyday to me this is a day i will remember all my life and i need reassurance im doing the right thing...

James came home from taking the girls to school and we headed to the hospital. I woke up in slightly more positive mood then i had the last couple of days so i thought it would be okay.. but as we drove to the hospital the whole reality of it dawned on me and then it started to hit home what was gunna happen..
All those happy moments of doing hundreds of tests, all the dates i had to look forward to werent going to happen anymore.. my baby isnt going to be here anymore :(

We got to the hospital and walking up to the ward i needed to be on.. i just thought in a bitter moment, I shouldnt even be here im meant to be here in July finding out the sex of my baby im MEANT to be here in November having my baby... and suddenly just said out loud.. NOOO BUT YOU HAD OTHER PLANS!! mad talking to god but ive had alot of those random moments recently.. James just looked at me like i was some sort of crazy woman. But i didnt care for today the mood is bitter!!!

As i got to the ward ready to prepare my speech i see the same doctor sitting there that i have from the beginning.. i got all ready to give my speech.. she said what can i help you with....

Me: well i came in the other day and the lady said my baby has past away, I wanna take the tablets but i am not doing it till ive had another scan for my own piece of mind, i cant do it if there was a chance....

Doctor: okay speak to her she is the scan lady she will tell if you can...

And straight away she said yes! write your name on the list and take a seat... there was two names about mine so i knew it wouldnt be too much of a wait...
As i sat there waiting with james playing on my phone. I couldnt help but think "what if it was wrong? what if its now there??" i sat there and praying, i dont think ive ever prayed so hard in my life.. but ten minutes had past and she called me....

Back in the same room from my first scans where i had my good news... of baby is fine at 7 weeks and 3 days... with the same scanning lady... back in same toilet and same towel on back of door but this time.. i knew it would be no good news!

I went on sat on the chair and waited while she done the scan straight away you could see it had shrunk it didnt have a head nor little arms and legs no nothing... And worse of all still no heartbeat!

She measured it and said its now measuring 8 weeks and 1 day!
How the hell can it shrink? and also how the hell can it go down by a whole week in just 3 days!!! which made me realize that me counting the day baby past away from 28th April is more then likely wrong.. as if it shrinks by a whole week every three days it could of died 2 days before my scan.. and thats why it went back a week and half..... so im gunna count it as when i found it she past away...

Anyway once she finished the scan she told me to get re dressed and wait to see a doctor... she gave me some leaflets about missed miscarriages and what happens next.. and told me to expect alot of blood and alot of pain as its very painful.... :(

I took the leaflets and the knowledge that soon im gunna be in ALOT of pain and waited for the doctor.. she came and basically told me the same sort of thing... if i pass alot of clots then i need to go back if i bleed excessively more then 3 pads per hour go back... Great now its kicking in!! She gave me the tablet i thought that when it come down to it id be shitting it and thinking omg what am i doing but for the fact of it had changed so much and shrunk in size it told me that this pregnancy was infact over :(

She came out to me with a water cup and two pill pots one had a very pale yellow looking round fat tablet in it... and the other had two white smaller tablets she said the first was for the hormones to basically stop the hormones and the second two were pain killers... Pain killers already... she said some people take the first tablet and dont need the others and others take all 4 tablets for the course and nothing happens.... Great, i can tell ill be one of them!! Dont say i didnt warn you! lol

So i took these tablets and have been waiting for pain ever since! and as to now nothing! its now 10.40pm and i took the tablets at 11.30am and nothing as of yet no spotting or anything! maybe tomorrow will be different!

Ive noticed nothing at the minute and im beginning to worry! I wish it would just get over and done with so i no what to expect and how its gunna happen this waiting around is killing me!

Im amazingly feeling okay.. i dont think people believe me when i say im feeling okay! Ive come to terms with the fact im no longer pregnant!

Dont get me wrong im not trying to brush it under the carpet im still in floods of tears at least 3 times a day.. but im just trying to stay strong.. although i do think once it all comes out i may be alot different... Then it will same soo real...

The two on the left were from tuesday at 12 week scan and the one on the right was todays one.. you could see how much its changed in just 3 days! :( Its soo sad.. its also so sad to think that these are the only photos and memories ill have of my baby.... x

Well thanks for reading tomorrow ill update again whats going on...

Much Love to you all xxxx

2 days after... Is this is Sign

as i sit here feeling sorry for myself i suddenly notice on the tele how there is a programme and they are showing a disabled girl and how hard her life is with all the problems she has and suddenly yet again im in tears.. is this a sign that maybe everything happens for a reason.. i sit here and cry and think how awful it is to not have our baby with us.. But would i really want her here and by like the girl on the tele with no quality of life.. i think i know the answer.. 

Im slowly coming to terms with all and how it wasnt meant to be.. i really dont wanna be one of those mums who go on and on about how sad there life is.. cos in reality im bloody lucky compared to some.. 

Although this is a awful thing to go through i have alot more then others and should grateful... <3

So i think Ive come to the conclusion that i need to take this tablet for closure more then anything. Each time i go to the loo im thinking is it going to be now i see something? is it today  :( 

ive seen alot of online photos of miscarriages at the stage i was and its all so clear a proper baby.. i know if i saw that id be devastated even more so. But then i cant keep on like this! and the d&c is not an option so the only way to get through this is to see the doctor and get the pill.. Least its closure and its all over...

Someone asked me if i was gunna try again once everything was over.. and my honest answer is no.. I dont think i could ever go through this again.. and i know id worry from the minute i found out to the minute it was born and its not fair to put myself through it again..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I made a picture up of all the baby stuff to remember everything 

I just wanna remember everything and not forget nothing xxx

12 Week Scan + Total Devastation ....

Maybe i should start by telling you the week i had... rather then how awful its ended.. As you have probably guessed i have lost my baby...

All this week Ive had the weirdest feeling that something bad had happened... I know it sounds weird but i was just feeling soo empty...
The week started with cramping in my belly but not too bad and i just had really really bad headaches. The headaches lasted for about 5 days it was awful i didnt wanna leave the house and i was in bed at about 7 every night! i just felt awful.. Eventually after 5 days of constant headaches i went to the hospital and told them that something was wrong i waited 2 hours to be seen to be told we cannot do anything unless you are bleeding and that they have to take it one step at a time.... I pleaded with her and told her that i knew something was wrong but she said she could not do nothing and to wait it out.... amazingly the day i went to the hospital i was infact 9 weeks and 1 day!!! which will make more sense later.

To top everything off at exactly 10 weeks pregnant i fell down the stairs as my daughter had left her book bag on the stairs EVERYTHING seemed like it was against me! i looked online trying to find out if it was a bad thing to worry about and everywhere said the same thing....

Falling in pregnancy is best to be done in the first trimester as the baby is well protected... by the uterus

So that put my mind at ease, But then the next day i was in agony with my back it took me around 20 minutes to actually get out of bed... this made me worry more as severe back ache is a sign of miscarriage... So every night i tried for hours to find babies heartbeat with no luck. i knew all of this pain would be worth while in a couple of months when i had my tiny baby in my arms.. hearing her heartbeat would just make everything feel alot better.. but sadly that heartbeat never came.

7th May - 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.


Today i woke up after having a really weird dream - i went to the doctors and they told me that i had to have my baby now! i told them i was barely 11 weeks but they insisted i was wrong and told me i needed to get her out now! i argued and told them if they scanned me they would see that i was only 11 weeks!
It was so weird cos it felt like they wanted me to get rid of my baby.. i told them no and i woke up....
A big part of me was excited to see my baby on screen tomorrow but another part couldnt help but think i know its going to be bad news! i could every minute of the scan in my mind i could picture her getting a second opinion and just saying sorry....
But i decided to shake off that feeling and take my girls out for the day.. to try and pass the time till tomorrow!

When we were out i couldn't help see signs in everything i saw 13 single magpies... we sat at table number 13 and just so many little coincidences that all made me think tomorrow is going to be bad news!

That night i came home yet again and tried to find my babies heart beat with my little monitor i sat there for ages with the creams and the head phones in total silence and sat there listening... i couldnt hear anything no swoshing nor swashing just silence with every now and then some odd gargle noises.. But in the end i thought noo im gunna leave it and see what happens tomorrow!

8th May 2012 - Scan Day..

So yet again i woke up from a dream where i had my baby at exactly 11 weeks and she was prefect this tiny baby.. staring up at me and both my girls there holding her... BEAUTIFUL...

So i get up and remember that you need to drink a pint of water an hour before so i sat there with this big cup and starting sipping at it.. and for once i didnt worry... i knew what the outcome would be... i waited for my mum to come over to take me hospital for my scan as james was working!
When we got to the hospital in the waiting room there was loads of pregnant women so we waited round the corner and withen 20 minutes they called my name....

As we walked in the room the lady said your a little early to be having this scan its meant to be from 12 weeks so you may have to come back.. i thought she was going to say go home and we can re book and i just thought no way am i waiting anymore! so i pulled my trousers to under my belly and laid down before she could tell me to leave lol
She said well lets have a look at the dates.. as she got the scan thing i told her that not to worry if the baby had past away as i already knew and she was confirming what i knew!

As she sat there for less then 30 seconds i could see my mums face she was looking at amazement at my tiny baby on screen and for that split second i thought maybe i was wrong... maybe she was fine.. But when i looked at the lady doing my scan you could see worry on her face... i just said its not there is it... she looked and said when did you say you noticed something was wrong.. i told her about a week ago.. she then looked at me and said im sorry but i cant find a heartbeat i said whats it measuring when did it pass away and she just sat there and said about a week ago.... I knew i was right... i couldnt have been wrong you know in yourself that something isnt right.

She then got up and said i need to get a second opinion.. i said but its gone hasnt it.. she just looked and said... It doesnt look good, Im sorry... she left the room and i said to my mum can you anything on the screen and she said yes so i got up and turned it round to see our baby....

You could see a perfect little baby the hands/arms and feet this tiny head and a big bright patch of white where her little heart should have been...

The lady then came back in the room with someone else .. who basically just took the scan thing and waved it accross my belly and said there is where its heart should be.....
Im sorry but it looks like you have misscarried.. I asked her for a picture and she said are you sure i said yes i wanna remember they existed.. and have memories of my baby... because although she isnt here there wont be a day nor minute that goes by where she isnt in my mind...there isnt a family picture i cant look at and see a space for her!

At first i saw the good in it.. It died for a reason my baby wasnt well.. i know that everything happens for a reason and that really its a good thing it happened now rather then later... i didnt cry nor moan i just sat there and said thank you for being so good about it all ... she told me she was sorry and said i needed to see a doctor to discuss my options!  She took out into the waiting room and said go toilet and then wait there and ill take you up..

When we go up to the doctors the waiting room was a blur my mind was everywhere.. and then suddenly it hit me.. how am i going to tell my girls.. they have been so excited.. especially my eldest then i remembered that i gave the girls a massive speech about how if they left stuff on the stairs and i fell i could lose the baby.. and suddenly in the middle of the waiting room i sat there in tears.. suddenly it hit me that she would think she done it! after managing to compose myself the doctor called me in...she basically said i had 3 options

One to take a pill to bring on labour to make you contract and your body reject the baby..

Two to have a operation to remove all the contents of everything inside.

Three to let nature take its course.... and let it come out naturally

Now this is the part im finding hard to deal with... 1 by no means what so ever are they going to break up my baby by the op to remove it.. my baby is very much welcome in my body...
2 i am not having no pill reject my baby.. My body is doing its best to provide for that baby and to just reject it cos of some tablet telling my hormones that not to bother anymore just doesnt seem right... how can i reject something i want...

I choose to let nature take its course... My baby came in naturally she can leave naturally...

As the doctor sat there talking to me i just thought I  was here a week ago and no one did nothing... they should listen if you say something is wrong.. I know thats their job and they do it everyday but when you lose compassion for what you do in something as delicate as that, then you shouldnt be in that line of work...
To them its just another missed misscarriage but to the person its happening to its their world. She said you dont have to make a decision now just come back in two weeks for another scan and make sure everything is out if it isnt by then we do need to move things along with the pill or the operation..

I know now and i can promise you that my body will not reject this baby... there isnt another child in the world that is more loved nor wanted this one.. my body wont reject it...

9th May 2012 - No weeks pregnant....

Ive woken up today feeling empty lost and like something is missing... at least before i knew it wasnt alive there was a glimmer of hope and now nothing... All ive done is cry and wonder why?? why has my body done it? why did it just stop? was there something wrong? Im so angry at myself the one thing a womens body is meant to do and mine cant do it properly ...

And to top it off i have my dead baby inside me... I could leave it there forever and it wouldnt care cos at least its there and it existed.. but when you know that everyday could be the day when it has to go, it leaves you thinking am i choosing the right thing to leave it naturally or do i go for the easy option and take the pill and then its over.. its dealt with and the only way is forward ... or will this get to weeks down the line and suddenly it comes and i have to deal with it all again.. grieve all over again... feel like complete crap all over again... I dont know what to do.... I wish the choice could be made for me... then i would just have to deal with it....



I wonder why im writing this all.... but when i started writing this i did for a couple of reasons

One i wanted to remember everything about my pregnancy i wanted to show them when they were older..

Two if maybe one person saw it and it put there mind at rest then it would be a good thing.


and now Three.... Ive wrote this so that if you ever feel like something is wrong dont ignore it go with your gut instinct because as a parent your never wrong... Dont take no for an answer!!! it might not change the out come of whats gunna happen but it might... never live wondering if you done the right thing xxx

Our baby passed away 28th April 2012 ..... Rest In Peace little baby Mummy Daddy and Your little sisters love you forever... x

Baby Heartbeat... No wait Its MINE :(

Haven't wrote a blog for a while cos i didnt wanna fill up my blog with complete rubbish...

But as promised ill let you know all the fun sides of pregnancy no matter how stupid i am .. :( 

So a friend of mine very nicely lent me a angel sounds fetal heart monitor which i was over the moon to have.. and sat there that night and decided to give it a go.

I got the machine all out and set it up and got the only cream i could find which was face cream lol

but hey it would work!

i placed it on my belly and heard tonnes of swoshing and swashing.. and water and loads of other funny noise's.

But no heart beat dont know what exactly i was expecting to find but i was most certain i would hear a heartbeat however after nearly an hour of hearing loads of water NOTHING :(

So every night for 2 weeks i tried listening and then eventually i heard BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM....

AT LAST I FOUND IT!!!

Oh boy did i brag! i was so happy i phoned everyone i could think of to tell them ... infact if it was possible to get it written in the sky i would of lol...

what a sigh of relief it was to hear my little baby... EVERY NIGHT and i mean every night without fail i would go to my room to listen to him or her.. and just sit there and think wow your alive inside me.... :D There's no nicer feeling.... Sometimes i would sit there for hours just listening to how wonderful this little life was growing inside me!! :D

THEN....

One night i decided to record my babies heart beat and upload it to my blog and you tube for you all to hear... and then... i went on you tube to hear others who were at the same stage as me and there's were nothing like mine :( mine was all slow and normal and theres were really really fast.. and it sadly dawned on me that all this time i had infact been listening to my own heartbeat :(

To say i was gutted was by far the understatement of the year... i went to bed and i could of easily sobbed all night! :( 

The next morning waking up and not knowing if my tiny baby was even okay was awful... that horrible un knowing if its even there still.... i literally moped about all day and did nothing... it was horrible..

It took at least a week to actually get over it and i had my self convinced that i am no longer pregnant. Everyday seemed the day that the worse could happen and i actually stopped counting how pregnant i was.. and even now at exactly TEN WEEKS im still unsure if i am pregnant. I know its odd and ive had scans and blood tests and endless, endless pregnancy tests confirming it but theres still a niggerling feeling something is wrong or something isnt there :(


But Ive had to cheer myself up abit and just think whatever will be will be no matter if i heard it or not.. hearing the heartbeat would not stop anything bad happening.. and thats the way ive had to think about it! :(

I still feel abit down about it but i am trying every night to get a heart beat with no luck, however i have my 13 week scan on Tuesday :D (8th May 2012)  although i will only be 10 weeks and 4 days pregnant im still looking forward to seeing everything and seeing if my baby is okay :D 

Thank for listening to me and any questions feel free to message me .. or comment i will reply to all messages :D x

Much Love xxx