So its been 1 week and 3 days since my whole world pretty much ended and its been 5 days since i met my tiny princess. The last week and a bit have been a total blur, i couldn't tell you whats happened this last week as everything has been a everywhere..
Things have been a bit all over the place. i still haven't left the house, i still dont really wanna see anyone.. even the friends im closest too i dont wanna see! I think its the whole idea of sitting there and have to be strong and put on the brave face, Im not the sort to break down in tears or really show much emotions in front of people.. so to have to sit there and say im fine is just something i cant do right now!
Id rather people just ignore the subject.. not that i want her forgotten but i dont want people to really mention it.. unless i bring it up. That sounds so mean..
James asked me yesterday if i was gunna go to the school eventually as he has been taking them and mum picking them up.. BUT, i can imagine it all in my head now.. Someones gunna say "Hi how are you? i heard your news, im so sorry.. how you feeling about it all?" and in reality you just say "Oh thanks, im okay coming to terms with it all, but thanks for asking " ... but the way im feeling right now.. i know id say something like " well to be honest i feel like im dying, its the worst thing in the whole world!" But i cant imagine that going down to well.. so i think until the anger stage is over or im learning how to be "normal" again... and im using the term normal loosely as ive never actually been called normal lol But until its over i cant go!
Im slowly seeing that it wasn't my fault and its just a sad thing that happens and so often to the wrong people!
But ive realized it wasn't my body that done it, infact my body was bloody brilliant, it held on to her till the very last minute... it was just a sad twist of fate.. and she obviously wasnt strong enough to hold in there which could of caused her problems in later life..
I know people are saying im blaming myself.. which in some way is true... but i dont think i am, i think im just questioning what it was that made it happen.. And also alot of people dont remember its only been a couple of days! im not gunna "get over it" right away... i dont think you ever get over something so hard and horrible you just learn to live with it... the past couple of couple of days ive felt like i havent been living ... ive been existing in a world thats moving on without me and ive been stuck in my own little bitter world! Yesterday i didnt write in the blog i didnt have much to say there is only so much you can read about how someone is so depressed! Its not nice!
But on a better note, Although ive started to see who my real friends are. Ive actually made some really really good friends through this horrible journey! Its sad how you make such good friendships out of such a sad situations but i suppose meeting people in the lowest time you know they are always gunna be there when they have seen you at your lowest! xxx
I made my daughter a memory box yesterday it was beautiful i put all her bits in there its lovely to look at. I also wanted to print out the pages of these blogs and put it in there as if anything ever happened to the website id lose everything :( , so im gunna put it all in her box... its so sad to think her whole existence fits in a little box.. And i also printed out some of her photos and put them in a frame in my front room/living room.. James has told me not to do it and how its very upsetting to see, BUT its our daughter if people are offended in my house then dont come in! i havent put them in public places and ive warned people but posting them on here.. but in my house its my house i can put what i want up! <3
Hope everyone is well take care and much love xxxx
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