Burying our baby and hating the world!

I seriously just dont know how ive been so good with everything so far ive woke up in such a bad mood!
Firstly it started off with checking my little princess to see she has shrunk even more so... :(
I dont think she could last any longer :( James's mum said we could use the family burial plot so i thought maybe that was a good idea as we could have a proper place to go and visit her! BUT she could only do it on Sunday so i said to james why dont we do it ourselves because she is just falling apart :(

So he phoned her and luckily she said we could do it tonight after work! So as James was off today we decided to go out and buy my little lady her box... Trying to find something perfect yet small enough was proving to be hard work.. we ended up getting her a plan brown box which i decided to paint cream and gold... but it didnt go to well so i ended up painting it all gold.... and it looked beautiful... I decided i also wanted to put her inside something else not just in a box.. so i bought a small heart trinket box.. and decided to paint it pink... it was beautiful here is a picture once it was finished ...

It did look beautiful even if i do say so myself.. it was perfect for my little princess...

I asked the girls to draw her a picture and i also wrote a letter myself i know she cant read it but i wanted her to have something from me to her....

here are the letters...

And the girls drew her this...

I then included a picture of us..

 Now she has a photo of me and her dad and her sisters :(

But she shouldnt have photos she should be growing in my belly and ready to meet them in 5 months !!! :(

I took some more pictures although she has shrunk she looks so beautiful still i cant get over how beautiful she is....

Look at those tiny feet....

Look at her cheeky smile and tiny little fingers.

Look at how much she has shrunk :(

Once i got her out the water and put her on the blanket to go in the heart.. she tucked her knees up and tucked her hands under her face its like she knew that was her bed and she was going to sleep...

Sleep tight little angel...

inside her box her heart that her tiny body is in.. and her little cow that was with her cow and get book.. some photos of us her letters and her drawings ...

and on the outside of the box i put

here is where my baby now lays

Here comes the bitter part!

How is this justice? How can someone just take my baby... why wasnt she even given a chance... i hate everything and i hate everyone... im feeling so horrible today... ive done nothing but cry..

When we drove to the cemetery i just sat there... i felt like i wasnt taking in anything around me anything that was said... i was numb... its so weird to not feel nothing! i didnt feel angry hurt upset i just felt nothing...

while james was digging this hole i thought why is she in there... in this tiny gold box in hand... she shouldnt be in there in a years time we should be here and james should be saying lets lay some flowers for grandad and let him meet his newest grandchild! But instead she is meeting her grandad now!! WHY? why did this happen? I did everything by the book... honestly i really did..

i dont drink nor smoke i took all the vitamins.. i didnt eat the wrong food's.. i ate things i hate just to get the right levels of iron and things that where needed! BUT no instead god had other plans! I done all the blood tests to see if everything was okay... but No.. it obviously wasnt meant to be.. although my arguement today is , if  it wasnt meant to be then i wouldnt have got pregnant!!! ... I know im hating the world :*(

Tonight i dont know how to feel it feels so odd not having my baby here...but im glad she is at peace... I dont really know what to say today...

Ill write another one tomorrow...

Much Love
xxx