Im dying inside and nobody knows it but me....

So today i have spent most of the day crying..
I think its been one of those days where everything is slowly kicking in...

When i woke i started to notice a couple of things, My stomachs gone flat again.. okay not too flat cos im a big girl lol but flatter then it was ill upload a picture later... And also my boobs have changed! it very scary how quickly after taking the tablets ive noticed my hormones gone down! the physical changes are unreal..

and then this morning i had a big melt down, i suppose you could call it.. Just sat there thinking, why me?

Im sure this is normal and every one thinks it but today im hating the world and feeling rather like, Arrrggghhh i hate everything! and Everyone.. Ive basically since losing the baby cut myself of from the world! i dont really wanna speak to anyone or see anyone.. i have a few friends that i speak to but i dont wanna speak to anyone else.. i dont know why! I suppose a part of it is putting on a brave face and the "oh yes im fine" sort of thing...
Dont get me wrong im not sitting there crying every minute of the day ive managed to keep my sanity.. Some what anyway lol...

I think part of me hating the world today is because of my partner! As much as i love him.. I dont get how he can get over such a loss so soon... This morning we had a bit of a thing well not so much an argument but just a a thing.. My youngest daughter brought over my scan picture and past it to my partner who just said to her... throw it in the bin! and leave it alone! i was fuming... so heartless its the only proper picture we have of our baby and he just doesnt care!
I told him he dares throw or even touch my photo, and ill kill him! And by god i meant it.. with the anger im feeling this week he does not wanna even look at my picture! lol

After that i took myself up stairs and just sat there in tears thinking how can he be so heartless! Then i just thought does he not realize although that baby wasn't "technically" a real baby.. to me it was..

And although we didnt get to look after her, I have because for the last 3 months i have spent my time and love and effort making sure my baby was safe, making sure that i took the right vitamins.. And when i was really ill, i put my child before myself and didnt take medicine because it wasn't safe so i sat there in agony for many days because of me and the love i have for my child... so please dont tell me im over reacting and that i cant miss something ive never had.. because it was ME who looked after her, it was ME who felt her growing... it was ME who went to the scans and appointments .. so dont make me feel like i shouldnt grieve because to me ive lost my child... The moment that test said positive i became a mother of 3... And ill always be a mum of 3.....

I just sat there and thought how can he not understand how im dying inside... to feel so empty and useless.. its mad isn't it.. then i remembered that song. Nobody Knows It But Me... By Babyface..
So i put it on my phone and thats it i sat in tears thinking about how awful everything was!
I dread to think how tomorrow is going to be...

So thinking about it... although ive miscarried i should maybe  explain whats happened im not brushing over the gory stuff its just nothing happened!  Ive had no pain no blood no spotting no nothing... My body is not letting going of my baby... Even after taking these tablets nothing....Im hoping that tomorrow will be the day it happens!

So tomorrow i have my final pill of my medical management, Im very very so worried.. I just dont wanna see anything cos i know something like that would haunt me for life! So i cant even begin to imagine what its going to be like. :( They said after the last pill the bleeding and contractions should start withen 30 minutes! Oh how is it going to be... Although im sure the physical pain will be nothing compared to the mental pain of it... :(

So as i promised i said i would upload the picture of how much my stomach has gone down :(

This first picture in the white top was at 11 weeks        In black was today 3 weeks after miscarriage

So as you can see its going down very quickly!  Poor baby.. Obviously wasn't meant to be..

Well thank you for reading and ill update tomorrow and let you know how i got on...

xxx Much Love xxx
     

Good Night God Bless... <3