But instead i am no weeks pregnant!
I woke up feeling today would be the day she made her very early appearance and it would all be over.. but as i woke and checked nothing.. not even a dot of blood, zilch!
So i decided i needed to go down the hospital and ask now for the medical management...
Each day ive waited and waited hoping that it would happen naturally and that if the hospital was right it would happen naturally but 3 days on, of tearing myself apart with "is it now? ohh is this something?" i cant handle it any more...
I decided to have a shower once kids went to school and start getting ready for what today held...
As i was in the shower all i could think of is.. "i hope the re-scan me before they go through with it, i need to make sure" i had this whole speech planned for the people in how they need to remember that although this is there job and they do it everyday to me this is a day i will remember all my life and i need reassurance im doing the right thing...
James came home from taking the girls to school and we headed to the hospital. I woke up in slightly more positive mood then i had the last couple of days so i thought it would be okay.. but as we drove to the hospital the whole reality of it dawned on me and then it started to hit home what was gunna happen..
All those happy moments of doing hundreds of tests, all the dates i had to look forward to werent going to happen anymore.. my baby isnt going to be here anymore :(
We got to the hospital and walking up to the ward i needed to be on.. i just thought in a bitter moment, I shouldnt even be here im meant to be here in July finding out the sex of my baby im MEANT to be here in November having my baby... and suddenly just said out loud.. NOOO BUT YOU HAD OTHER PLANS!! mad talking to god but ive had alot of those random moments recently.. James just looked at me like i was some sort of crazy woman. But i didnt care for today the mood is bitter!!!
As i got to the ward ready to prepare my speech i see the same doctor sitting there that i have from the beginning.. i got all ready to give my speech.. she said what can i help you with....
Me: well i came in the other day and the lady said my baby has past away, I wanna take the tablets but i am not doing it till ive had another scan for my own piece of mind, i cant do it if there was a chance....
Doctor: okay speak to her she is the scan lady she will tell if you can...
And straight away she said yes! write your name on the list and take a seat... there was two names about mine so i knew it wouldnt be too much of a wait...
As i sat there waiting with james playing on my phone. I couldnt help but think "what if it was wrong? what if its now there??" i sat there and praying, i dont think ive ever prayed so hard in my life.. but ten minutes had past and she called me....
Back in the same room from my first scans where i had my good news... of baby is fine at 7 weeks and 3 days... with the same scanning lady... back in same toilet and same towel on back of door but this time.. i knew it would be no good news!
I went on sat on the chair and waited while she done the scan straight away you could see it had shrunk it didnt have a head nor little arms and legs no nothing... And worse of all still no heartbeat!
She measured it and said its now measuring 8 weeks and 1 day!
How the hell can it shrink? and also how the hell can it go down by a whole week in just 3 days!!! which made me realize that me counting the day baby past away from 28th April is more then likely wrong.. as if it shrinks by a whole week every three days it could of died 2 days before my scan.. and thats why it went back a week and half..... so im gunna count it as when i found it she past away...
Anyway once she finished the scan she told me to get re dressed and wait to see a doctor... she gave me some leaflets about missed miscarriages and what happens next.. and told me to expect alot of blood and alot of pain as its very painful.... :(
I took the leaflets and the knowledge that soon im gunna be in ALOT of pain and waited for the doctor.. she came and basically told me the same sort of thing... if i pass alot of clots then i need to go back if i bleed excessively more then 3 pads per hour go back... Great now its kicking in!! She gave me the tablet i thought that when it come down to it id be shitting it and thinking omg what am i doing but for the fact of it had changed so much and shrunk in size it told me that this pregnancy was infact over :(
She came out to me with a water cup and two pill pots one had a very pale yellow looking round fat tablet in it... and the other had two white smaller tablets she said the first was for the hormones to basically stop the hormones and the second two were pain killers... Pain killers already... she said some people take the first tablet and dont need the others and others take all 4 tablets for the course and nothing happens.... Great, i can tell ill be one of them!! Dont say i didnt warn you! lol
So i took these tablets and have been waiting for pain ever since! and as to now nothing! its now 10.40pm and i took the tablets at 11.30am and nothing as of yet no spotting or anything! maybe tomorrow will be different!
Ive noticed nothing at the minute and im beginning to worry! I wish it would just get over and done with so i no what to expect and how its gunna happen this waiting around is killing me!
Im amazingly feeling okay.. i dont think people believe me when i say im feeling okay! Ive come to terms with the fact im no longer pregnant!
Dont get me wrong im not trying to brush it under the carpet im still in floods of tears at least 3 times a day.. but im just trying to stay strong.. although i do think once it all comes out i may be alot different... Then it will same soo real...
The two on the left were from tuesday at 12 week scan and the one on the right was todays one.. you could see how much its changed in just 3 days! :( Its soo sad.. its also so sad to think that these are the only photos and memories ill have of my baby.... x
Well thanks for reading tomorrow ill update again whats going on...
Much Love to you all xxxx
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