Im missing you so much- I cant cope!

To mummies little princess,

I wish i could explain to you just what i feel.. I feel like im dying... every part of me is hating the world today.. i cant bring myself to be happy.. why did you have to leave baby.. what made your heart just stop? i keep looking at your hospital letters from the scan and clear as anything - fetal heart - present! and what point did it become absent.. I cant stop thinking of everything it could of been.. was it carrying the shopping home once? was it when i met the girls in town for a coke? bet i left so soon and was there half hour drank one coke and left... was it when i cleaned the house or cleaned the rabbit hutch... i dont know what i did to make you go...

I dont think i can get by. Someone said to me, once you have another one it gets easier?? How, will i suddenly forget you existed because i have someone else in my womb.. will my dreams of being a mother of three suddenly be perfect again... I dont think so.. cos from day one i didnt think of the bouncy baby at the end of it.. i didnt think oh i cant wait to dress you up and take you out... I wondered, Is she gunna have curly hair or straight hair? will she laugh like her sisters when i pretend to sneeze? i wonder what type of personality is she gunna have? So no it wont get better because i didnt want a "baby" i wanted you!! And only you!

Why me? What have i ever done? Ive always been kind, considerate and caring.. if it means going with out so someone can have something id do it.. if i had a tenner to last me a week and someone needed it. I wouldnt think twice before giving it to them..Ive made friends with everyone no one talks to the real hard people to get to know give them all my time and effort into making there lives better for them to become popular and never speak to me again.. but i still found pleasure in helping them. Id do it over and over again because i knew i was making a difference and making someones life better. Ive sat for hours trying to rescue mice the cats brought in.. ive sat for days and night hand feeding baby rabbits to help them live.. I've even walked round tesco's with baby rabbits down my bra to help them keep there heat when there mums rejected them... and this is how god re pays me? Ask him why?

Why take you? there's murderers, rapist and child molesters out there? wasting our air and you werent given your chance? How is this fair? who decides these rules? when you meet them tell them they suck!

I cant help but hate the world since you've gone.. ive always found the goodness in everything but losing you is making me bitter... im changing! I dont wanna change but i cant help it i just hate everything!

i went shopping today to buy you a box a memory box i decorated it and filled it with all your bits and i thought maybe it would help but it didnt.. infact it made it worse that everything to prove you existed fitted in a tiny box! :(

GOD I MISS YOU... i miss you so much its making me sick!

i keep rubbing my belly for reassurance and instead of feeling warm and fuzzy to know you are growing safely i look down and just see nothing, Nothing but a cold and empty stomach with no love or warmth i cant imagine feeling that love again...

I wish i could talk to you! i wish i could hold your hands or tickle those tiny feet and let you know how much i love you and tell you just how much you have changed my life!
I promise you, you wont die in vain baby.. i promise you even if i have to make it my lifes work.. You will save lives.... you will change lives... you will make people feel better i promise you...

To the world you may be one person
But to me, You was the world... <3

its been a week today since i was told you had a heartbeat and you was fine, What happened? What happening?.....

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