The Day After Yesterday! Yesterday Continued...

So after yesterday im still getting over everything that happened..

My first thought when i woke up this morning was OMG IS SHE OKAY...

But maybe i should carry on with yesterdays story... i was so eager to upload her photos i didnt really tell half the story and i wanted everyone going through this to know how it was horrible it was and how much pain it was. Ill try and describe everything to the best of my ability...

So once she came out and my mum had left i just sat there staring at her.. and wondering what happens next?
I still hadn't taken the other tablets and as she was out i didnt know if i needed to or not!
So i decided to phone to local EPAU (early pregnancy assessment unit) and ask for there advice.. they told me i had to take the other tablets as i needed to get all the rest out! :( So i took our daughter down stairs and changed her into another tub and smaller pink one! A more girlie one... I took the tablets and the pain began again almost instantly :(  but i just sat there trying to push through the pain.. the girls kept coming over to see what i was messing about with so secretively in the corner and i thought do i show them, i didnt wanna upset them but maybe seeing her would explain where she went , rather then one day "Oh im pregnant she is gunna look like this, and she is gunna sleep here, and you have to be good cos mummy needs to rest cos babies growing ... to oh the baby went to heaven..... " Maybe showing them would be good.. so i called them over and said to them..

"you know the medicine mummy had to take, well that medicine made our baby come and see us before she goes to heaven.."

they sat there in amazement and just stared at this tiny baby.. is was nice to have all my children in one room probably one of the last times it would happen :(

I Still hadnt touched her at this point, i wanted too but was just so worried incase i hurt her or something happened to her... But slowly i got the courage to put my finger in the water and slowly touch her hand... and then i thought im gunna pour the water into my hand and let her sit in my hand... :(
as i did i couldnt help but worry.. but as the water trickled into the palm of my hand and she glided onto it.. i was in shock she was like Jelly.. as if you got some jelly in the palm of your hand.. withen second i could feel the coldness... it was like holding ice... :( I couldnt do it anymore and put her back... and as much as i love her.. and there honestly are no words in the world that could explain how much i love her.. :(

I feel so bad that i couldnt hold her.. but im not strong enough... i put her in back in the little pink tub and put her on the window seal out of reach so no one could touch her im just so worried about dropping her or moving her... or knowing what to do with her.. im so scared! :(

Later that evening the blood continued so bad... i was told if i filled more then 3 sanitry pads an hour to go to  the hospital.. but i didnt want to.. In totual i done 14 pads in about 6 hours.. and im feeling really weak at this stage but im not being away from my babies any of them.. for me to go hospital.. for them to stick me in a bed with a drip i dont think so.. I kept running to toilet and they told me i was gunna pass clots but my god! This wasnt clots they were really big.. so big i actually had to push to get them out.. you could feel like jelly being pushed through then suddenly youd hear it hit the water! :( it was disgusting..

i decided after hours of continuous bleeding that i should just go and have a bath to ease the pain... but after 5 minutes of being in the bath it was full of clots and the water was a horrible yellowy colour!
the girls come up to see if i was okay cos all i could do is breathe through the pain.. they were in so much shock.. at the ammount of blood.. although having them there was good because it took my mind of it everything going on!i decided to get out the bath as i just couldnt cope i felt so weak my skin was so pale and i genuinely believed i was dying! i showered myself off to get all the blood off and just got out the bath and started drying myself off and then Sophie my youngest said MUM THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE...

The blood had poured down my legs... it covered my cream carpet and i was just in so much shock i had just got out the bath and now im covered again!!! i re showered myself and i just couldnt get the blood to stop so i had to put the knickers on in the shower they were soaked! :( i just cleaned the carpet and got in bed to relax! I thought id start writing this blog.. one to take my mind off of it.. and two cos i wanna remember everything the way it was.. i started writing the blog and just as i was gunna finishing.. i heard my cat outside fighting with another cat so i shouted down to james to sort it out.. he didnt answer and the girls were getting upset and worried incase it hurt him... i got up and went down to the garden to get him in when i got back to our kitchen all of a sudden a massive and i know mean was bigger then the palm of my hand clot fell out and the floor was completely covered in blood it was dripping all the way down me and it looked like id be murdered my daughter came down cos james was to busy being sick! he hates blood..
Sophie came down and she was so upset she even run up and told  my eldest i was dying! both my girls where in tears... they wouldnt come near me james had to sort them out there really was so much blood!!!!

i managed to get some knickers that my eldest brought me down and some new pads and just washed the floor down and at this stage james was begging me to go to the hospital.. but i insisted i wasnt going...

I cleaned myself up and went up to bed.. and that was my day over...

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Today ive woke up still in a fair bit of pain but the blood has stopped more or less thank god im not surprised as i dont think i could of lost anymore blood! im still in some pain and its still really low down i hope the pain stops soon though i dont think i could cope anymore :(

Ive been in a bit of bad mood as some people i find are just very rude! And i hate most people anyway lol so when im so angry i hate people even more so! :( Its little silly comments that make me upset..
i know i shouldnt but i cant help but take comments to heart... which is mad cos anyone who knows me will tell you im very thick skinned but for some reason this week ive been a crying wreck i can understand cos im going through alot.. And i dont think maybe its hit me totally whats actually happening but i need to take notice soon enough..

So for now baby is still in my little pink tub.. we have decided to bury her with james's family... they have a little plot so we are putting her there. So tomorrow im gunna head out and buy something for her to go in.. like a nice box... im gunna put her teddy and some family photos in it with her.. as she is my beautiful little princess i only want the best for her...
Ive been looking online to find something perfect for her! But i just cant see anything that matches how lovely or how loved she was...

Im feeling very ill today.. i have no energy the blood loss is really getting to me.. my mum saw me earlier and said how ill i looked! i know i look ill cos im so pale.. but i dont care! normally i love my make up and being seen with nice hair and looking nice.. but my attitude is changing and im just thinking if someone seeing me without make up and looking rough is the worst thing that ever happened to me id be a lucky women!
Hearing people moan about little things is making me realize how much i didnt appreciate my life.. id be one those people who would always be like OMG THIS HAPPENED IT WAS THE WORSE THING EVER!  How wrong was i?

this just feels like a bad dream i cant awake from i sometimes wonder if im gunna wake up in a minute and it would all be over and none of it was real.... Its amazing how much your body can love something....

Words cant explain how much love i have for her!

I saw this poem on a friend of mines wall...

They say there is a reason,They say that time will heal,But neither time nor reason,Will change the way I feel,For no-one knows the heartache,That lies behind our smiles,No-one knows how many times,We have broken down and cried,We want to tell you something,So there won't be any doubt,You're so wonderful to think of,But so hard to be withoutand its soo fitting..

I love you Sienna my little lady nothing will ever change that no matter the time or distance my love for you will never change xxxx


Much Love to you all xxxxx