So today has been a week since my little lady was born and i feel like i need to start moving on , But i dont think i can.. Yesterday was the first day that i havent cried, i did get teary eyed a couple of times but havent actually cried. Which is good i guess.. but then i feel guilty for not crying... i dont want her to be watching me and thinking "God my mummy isnt even upset..."
But then a friend told me something that made alot of sense she said... its okay to feel okay...
and it makes me feel abit better.
Last night i had a dream that she was born and she was fine and when i woke up this morning i was looking for her.. it was sooo weird!!! it felt SOO REAL!!! Honestly i woke up devastated and nearly in tears at the thought it wasnt real!! :(
Im having mad moments where im thinking this christmas is going to be rubbish i can tell.. I should have a one month old baby at christmas and now im gunna have nothing!!! :( just a memory of my tiny baby!!! Its gunna be so heartbreaking knowing whats happened!
I asked james if he would ever consider having another baby, And he told me no! :( and he seems so genuine that he would never have another one! At first i was like "Nope never again, i couldnt cope if it happened again id be suicidal " But now im beginning to think that if we did have another one and the worst did happen again at least i know she wouldnt be alone up there.. and she would have someone else to be with... But james is adamant never again :(
I dont wanna feel like id be replacing her... BUT i do think that we could try again once this is all over!
So on to the gory subject, Its been a week and i am still bloody bleeding do you know how fed up i am now of bleeding!!!!
The only thing thats really getting on my nerves is the smell! IT IS AWFUL... it smells of rotting i called the hospital who told me it was normal to have that awful smell towards the end of it! But this is bleeding with no end in site! i cant imagine ever not bleeding again! Ive gone through about 9 packs of 12 always sanitary towels in just over a week!!!
I have hospital on tuesday for my scan to make sure everything is out and i have the worst feeling everything is still gunna be inside!ive passed the worse clots in the early days and every other day ill pass lots of gunk! but other then that its just brown manky horrible smelling blood!
BUT ON A BRIGHTER NOTE!
Theres a psychic night at one of the local pubs and to say i really wanna go is an understatement!!! I wanna go and see a clairvoyant and say if they have anything to say! id love my little sienna to come through! i would be in tears and thats not exaggeration you do not know how excited id be! i just wanna know she is okay and being taken care of! thats all i need to know before i could move on and know she is safe!
Im gunna start heading out aswell this week i need to start getting back in touch with normality i cant remember the last time i spoke to someone with normal conversation without having all that worry!
so school run tomorrow it shall be. And im meant to have a friend come over tomorrow im very worried about that! i dont wanna sit there in tears! but we shall see!
Thank you to everyone who has read these and given me support i thank you from the bottom of my heart
im going to keep them going maybe not everyday but to fill you all in on how im getting on and whats happening.. please feel free to contact me or just send me a message...
Much Love to you all... xxxxx
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