12 Week Scan + Total Devastation ....

Maybe i should start by telling you the week i had... rather then how awful its ended.. As you have probably guessed i have lost my baby...

All this week Ive had the weirdest feeling that something bad had happened... I know it sounds weird but i was just feeling soo empty...
The week started with cramping in my belly but not too bad and i just had really really bad headaches. The headaches lasted for about 5 days it was awful i didnt wanna leave the house and i was in bed at about 7 every night! i just felt awful.. Eventually after 5 days of constant headaches i went to the hospital and told them that something was wrong i waited 2 hours to be seen to be told we cannot do anything unless you are bleeding and that they have to take it one step at a time.... I pleaded with her and told her that i knew something was wrong but she said she could not do nothing and to wait it out.... amazingly the day i went to the hospital i was infact 9 weeks and 1 day!!! which will make more sense later.

To top everything off at exactly 10 weeks pregnant i fell down the stairs as my daughter had left her book bag on the stairs EVERYTHING seemed like it was against me! i looked online trying to find out if it was a bad thing to worry about and everywhere said the same thing....

Falling in pregnancy is best to be done in the first trimester as the baby is well protected... by the uterus

So that put my mind at ease, But then the next day i was in agony with my back it took me around 20 minutes to actually get out of bed... this made me worry more as severe back ache is a sign of miscarriage... So every night i tried for hours to find babies heartbeat with no luck. i knew all of this pain would be worth while in a couple of months when i had my tiny baby in my arms.. hearing her heartbeat would just make everything feel alot better.. but sadly that heartbeat never came.

7th May - 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.


Today i woke up after having a really weird dream - i went to the doctors and they told me that i had to have my baby now! i told them i was barely 11 weeks but they insisted i was wrong and told me i needed to get her out now! i argued and told them if they scanned me they would see that i was only 11 weeks!
It was so weird cos it felt like they wanted me to get rid of my baby.. i told them no and i woke up....
A big part of me was excited to see my baby on screen tomorrow but another part couldnt help but think i know its going to be bad news! i could every minute of the scan in my mind i could picture her getting a second opinion and just saying sorry....
But i decided to shake off that feeling and take my girls out for the day.. to try and pass the time till tomorrow!

When we were out i couldn't help see signs in everything i saw 13 single magpies... we sat at table number 13 and just so many little coincidences that all made me think tomorrow is going to be bad news!

That night i came home yet again and tried to find my babies heart beat with my little monitor i sat there for ages with the creams and the head phones in total silence and sat there listening... i couldnt hear anything no swoshing nor swashing just silence with every now and then some odd gargle noises.. But in the end i thought noo im gunna leave it and see what happens tomorrow!

8th May 2012 - Scan Day..

So yet again i woke up from a dream where i had my baby at exactly 11 weeks and she was prefect this tiny baby.. staring up at me and both my girls there holding her... BEAUTIFUL...

So i get up and remember that you need to drink a pint of water an hour before so i sat there with this big cup and starting sipping at it.. and for once i didnt worry... i knew what the outcome would be... i waited for my mum to come over to take me hospital for my scan as james was working!
When we got to the hospital in the waiting room there was loads of pregnant women so we waited round the corner and withen 20 minutes they called my name....

As we walked in the room the lady said your a little early to be having this scan its meant to be from 12 weeks so you may have to come back.. i thought she was going to say go home and we can re book and i just thought no way am i waiting anymore! so i pulled my trousers to under my belly and laid down before she could tell me to leave lol
She said well lets have a look at the dates.. as she got the scan thing i told her that not to worry if the baby had past away as i already knew and she was confirming what i knew!

As she sat there for less then 30 seconds i could see my mums face she was looking at amazement at my tiny baby on screen and for that split second i thought maybe i was wrong... maybe she was fine.. But when i looked at the lady doing my scan you could see worry on her face... i just said its not there is it... she looked and said when did you say you noticed something was wrong.. i told her about a week ago.. she then looked at me and said im sorry but i cant find a heartbeat i said whats it measuring when did it pass away and she just sat there and said about a week ago.... I knew i was right... i couldnt have been wrong you know in yourself that something isnt right.

She then got up and said i need to get a second opinion.. i said but its gone hasnt it.. she just looked and said... It doesnt look good, Im sorry... she left the room and i said to my mum can you anything on the screen and she said yes so i got up and turned it round to see our baby....

You could see a perfect little baby the hands/arms and feet this tiny head and a big bright patch of white where her little heart should have been...

The lady then came back in the room with someone else .. who basically just took the scan thing and waved it accross my belly and said there is where its heart should be.....
Im sorry but it looks like you have misscarried.. I asked her for a picture and she said are you sure i said yes i wanna remember they existed.. and have memories of my baby... because although she isnt here there wont be a day nor minute that goes by where she isnt in my mind...there isnt a family picture i cant look at and see a space for her!

At first i saw the good in it.. It died for a reason my baby wasnt well.. i know that everything happens for a reason and that really its a good thing it happened now rather then later... i didnt cry nor moan i just sat there and said thank you for being so good about it all ... she told me she was sorry and said i needed to see a doctor to discuss my options!  She took out into the waiting room and said go toilet and then wait there and ill take you up..

When we go up to the doctors the waiting room was a blur my mind was everywhere.. and then suddenly it hit me.. how am i going to tell my girls.. they have been so excited.. especially my eldest then i remembered that i gave the girls a massive speech about how if they left stuff on the stairs and i fell i could lose the baby.. and suddenly in the middle of the waiting room i sat there in tears.. suddenly it hit me that she would think she done it! after managing to compose myself the doctor called me in...she basically said i had 3 options

One to take a pill to bring on labour to make you contract and your body reject the baby..

Two to have a operation to remove all the contents of everything inside.

Three to let nature take its course.... and let it come out naturally

Now this is the part im finding hard to deal with... 1 by no means what so ever are they going to break up my baby by the op to remove it.. my baby is very much welcome in my body...
2 i am not having no pill reject my baby.. My body is doing its best to provide for that baby and to just reject it cos of some tablet telling my hormones that not to bother anymore just doesnt seem right... how can i reject something i want...

I choose to let nature take its course... My baby came in naturally she can leave naturally...

As the doctor sat there talking to me i just thought I  was here a week ago and no one did nothing... they should listen if you say something is wrong.. I know thats their job and they do it everyday but when you lose compassion for what you do in something as delicate as that, then you shouldnt be in that line of work...
To them its just another missed misscarriage but to the person its happening to its their world. She said you dont have to make a decision now just come back in two weeks for another scan and make sure everything is out if it isnt by then we do need to move things along with the pill or the operation..

I know now and i can promise you that my body will not reject this baby... there isnt another child in the world that is more loved nor wanted this one.. my body wont reject it...

9th May 2012 - No weeks pregnant....

Ive woken up today feeling empty lost and like something is missing... at least before i knew it wasnt alive there was a glimmer of hope and now nothing... All ive done is cry and wonder why?? why has my body done it? why did it just stop? was there something wrong? Im so angry at myself the one thing a womens body is meant to do and mine cant do it properly ...

And to top it off i have my dead baby inside me... I could leave it there forever and it wouldnt care cos at least its there and it existed.. but when you know that everyday could be the day when it has to go, it leaves you thinking am i choosing the right thing to leave it naturally or do i go for the easy option and take the pill and then its over.. its dealt with and the only way is forward ... or will this get to weeks down the line and suddenly it comes and i have to deal with it all again.. grieve all over again... feel like complete crap all over again... I dont know what to do.... I wish the choice could be made for me... then i would just have to deal with it....



I wonder why im writing this all.... but when i started writing this i did for a couple of reasons

One i wanted to remember everything about my pregnancy i wanted to show them when they were older..

Two if maybe one person saw it and it put there mind at rest then it would be a good thing.


and now Three.... Ive wrote this so that if you ever feel like something is wrong dont ignore it go with your gut instinct because as a parent your never wrong... Dont take no for an answer!!! it might not change the out come of whats gunna happen but it might... never live wondering if you done the right thing xxx

Our baby passed away 28th April 2012 ..... Rest In Peace little baby Mummy Daddy and Your little sisters love you forever... x