Tuesday 19 June 2012

Update...

So i havent updated in a little while just because i feel pretty rubbish and generally quite ill...

But heres whats been going on..

After the hospital .. I havent heard any more on that! i have another appointment on tuesday for another scan   so i should see a little more and know more or less whats going on..
I came on my first period since it all happen on the 16th :( that really hit home. It was like the end to a long and painful story it did really hit home that it is officially over!
When i noticed the blood was just after a shower and i looked down thinking i was feeling wet and the lovely clean white towel was now nicely covered in blood and straight away i was in tears! Im not to sure why though as i havent really had a good cry since about 5 days after it happened.. I think that was like the final clear out as such that it is indeed over :(
Although its a good thing that i could try again and hope for the best but at this moment in time as much as i would love another baby i dont think im gunna actually try. Because i know i would become a mad obsessive  that sat and tracked everything and then each month would feel like id lost a baby all over again knowing it hasnt happened! SOO for my own sanity i think its best i dont actually actively try.

So looking back on other things that have happened over the last few months seems like a daze. I did become abit crazy and would sit for hours feeling abit down and depressed but it got to a point where there is only so many miscarriage support sites and general coping or baby sites you can look at before you notice its making you feel worse rather then better, So i decided i needed a hobby, To be honest ive not really been into very much BUT then i remember after i lost Sienna someone sent me a bracelet to remember her with a small angel on it. I may have even uploaded the picture here i cant remember, But i remember someone sent me that and i thought hmm maybe i should try something along them lines so i bought all the bits and now ive become obsessed over that lol But its doing me the world of good! :) because its helping me keep my mind off of whats going on and if it helps me make some money then even better... :) I want to raise awareness too for miscarriage support and things like that im not tooo sure yet what exactly i need to do to raise awareness but i need to do something....

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Siennas-Designs/152691881531740

thats the page for the bracelets.. if anyone is interested then feel free to message me...

So other then taking my mind off of whats been going on and just the waiting till hospital nothing really interesting is actually going on!...

Hopefully next time ill update will be with better news it will probably be on tuesday after my scan :)

Take Care all Much Love xxx


Tuesday 12 June 2012

Emergency Hospital App

So today im completely fed up of feeling so rough and being in pain ... so i decided to take myself down to the hospital as the pain is getting unbearable... Should really start by telling you that over the past 4 days ive been in agony! with a pain on my right hand side behind my hip bone and above. Its like my Ovary and it got too much today i decided to take myself down to the hospital!

So i woke up this morning after not sleeping yet AGAIN.... and just thought i have to go!

I got james to drop me down to the hospital, before he went to work and i went straight to the epau i knew they wouldnt see me but i thought im doing so anyway! im so fed up of being so ill!!!

I went straight down there and just waited at the reception! they agreed to see me :) they told me to wait to wait in the waiting area i waited for about an hour, as i sat there i noticed that there was about 10 other people waiting and i just thought they all have appointments and im gunna be waiting hours!

Lucky i had signal so i sat on facebook and just played games and before i knew it my name was called..
The doctor called me into the room and went through all my history and basically just told me she wanted to do an internal and blood test. She felt my stomach and it really hurt all on one side (my right) she then put a canular in my hand :( WHICH I DID NOT WANT!!!  nor did i want the blood test but nothing was coming out!!! :( which wasnt good... the doctor agreed to talk to the sonographer to see if she could scan me to see whats going on!

I sat there so worried incase she said no... i know i have an appointment on saturday but i just feel so rough! I wanna know whats going on.. The doctor came back in and told me that they will scan me to see whats going on!
I went down to the room and got changed into the that towel yet again and went and sat on the scanning chair the women joked about and said OHH your back!! I told her i may aswell pitch up a tent!! lol

She just laughed and started scanning me, Straight away she said is the pain on your right? on the ovary? I said yes she turned the screen and she said that is a cyst! it measures 5cm X 5cm ... Sounds quite big!
She told me not to worry and that its normal after pregnancy to get something like that!
I asked if i was pregnant? and she said sadly no its retained product i knew i was right and that women was wrong! :( But at least i wasnt losing another one! :(

they have given me antibiotics and cancelled my scan for saturday.. and told me to come back in 2 weeks to see how the cyst is going! Im worried incase its something bad or mean more stuff is being drawn out :(

heres the letter from the hospital...



Im hoping that the next scan will be better results...

Ill write again tomorrow...

Much Love xxx

Wednesday 6 June 2012

A BIG Thank You!

Well i wanna start with my day and how things have been today and then i wanna say a massive thank you to a few people..

Today has been a random day where i realize that there are infact still nice people in this world..
I woke up to a lovely little parcel from a lady i met online when i lost Sienna called Paula.. I spoke to her once and she told me she was going to send me something a little gift from one grieving mother to another. I thought it was very sweet but didnt think much of it., I sent her my address and didnt hear nothing back anyway i wake this morning to this parcel and inside was a beautiful bracelet and a lovely set or earings :) and it said printed on the card "ever loss matters" and its so true!

To be honest i was soppy and actually cried! lol
Sad i know but it really does fill me with joy that someone took time out of their day to make a bracelet and earings and write out two poems and send them to me for nothing! Just to cheer me up! how very beautiful of her! To get nothing out of it but the fact of helping others made me cry.. Im gunna blame it on the hormones!
Here is the picture of my bracelet! I love it...



After that i decided to go and do another test and hopefully see that line get darker to confirm i was pregnant as i got the test out of the paper i saw the strip and thought its gunna be bad news!
Once i finished i placed the test on the side and waited to see these magic two lines appear and make me feel whole again but inside a slight slight slight pale pink line appeared no darker then before but slightly lighter !! :(
I went straight downstairs to check with the other tests to see if its darker! but it wasnt infact it was the lightest ive had! its time to face facts and just realize that you are not pregnant!




Now i have to wait till my scan on the 16th to find out for definite but im pretty sure if i was it would get darker rather then lighter! I would have loved to be pregnant but i cant do nothing but wish and wait!

I had a pregnancy reading done today from a psychic online and it made me feel more hopeful and id be very interested to see if she is right! she said i would fall pregnant  in august september 2012 and have a healthy boy in 2013 and see my pregnant again in 2015 with a baby girl! And it made me feel so positive to know that i will have more children i know its all a guessing game and life could change at any moment but it gave me hope...

Other then that today i havent done anything.. its been pretty rubbish really no money and no energy to do anything. I dont know how people just get on normally after a miscarriage!

Maybe i over think this! but to me it actually helps to write down what im feeling! Ive found also that staying part of a community of pregnant people makes me feel alot better... i joined a group when i was pregnant called DID12 (due in december 2012) and i havent been able to bring myself to leave it! Apart of it is nosiness i wont deny! But another part of me wants to be there to help anyone who has been through what i have! I know it isnt the biggest loss and i know there are people out there that have ALOT worse but when you are going through it, it feels like the worse thing in the world! and when i lost sienna and i had all these messages saying ive been there i know how it feels... all i thought was but your now pregnant! so no you dont know how it feels at this very moment in time! wrong i but when i spoke to people actually going through it at the same time made me feel better... so thats why ive stayed a part of that pregnancy community! because id love to be able to help.. sad i know... but if i can make someone feel better or less alone then ive done something good!

So i said i wanna say thank you to a few people...So .....

Firstly a massive thank you to my mum.. who has been my rock throughout this whole thing! and it means alot to have her close by to not only listen but come to appointments with me and all the other things she has done!

My next thank you is to my friend Amy... Who has been brilliant too.. she has listened to me been in shock with me and done everything a friend is meant to do! She has given me advice and  just been there in general..

Also Brooke, I dont really know Brooke very well BUT she has been brilliant we have spoken pretty much everyday and been there for eachother too.. its been lovely to have someone who knows how i feel.. means so much to me!

And also a special shout out to everyone on the DID12 group who although i wasnt due in December let me stay with them and even now im not pregnant i get messages and texts to ask how i am it means so much to me....

all my other friends too Kim, Holly, Portia and the rest of you all means alot to have you all here and have your advice xxx

and a massive special thank you to my biggest fan :D



KATIE CLARKE!!! 



Who reads my blog and quotes pieces to our friend Amy it genuinely means alot to have people read it and enjoy it!! i get so many views although after hearing amy today it seems its only Katie but lol thank you to everyone who reads it and a very big love to my friend Katie xxxxxxxx

Much Love all xxxxx

Sunday 3 June 2012

Still Confused!

Im still in shock - But im beginning to wonder if its possible?

I so much doubt it although every part of my body would LOVE love LOVE to be pregnant i cant help but think its not possible if what they are saying is right and the sac measures and the embryo measures X ammount. How would it have survived the blood loss and it was so much! and how would it survive another set of pills!? It really would be a miracle! Miracles dont really happen that often and especially to me!

I done a test yesterday and thought id do it everyday until maybe friday and see if they get darker! if they got darker then ill book a private scan.. But i dont wanna spend nearly 80 on nothing! to see the hospital got it wrong!

Well the test i done yesterday did come back positive ever so slightly and i done another test this morning and could barely see anything! so i left it but when i went back to it a hour later it was darker! But i know not the read the result after 10 minutes! But i dont know if that just applies to not knowing your pregnant cos it wouldnt come back positive if you wasnt pregnant surely ?

here is the picture of todays and yesterdays



Sorry its upside down, i cant turn it round!! But u can see that todays is slightly darker! But im not gunna raise my hopes IF and a big IF. if its darker say by wednesday then  i dont think theres gunna be no stopping me! x


Well ive started taking my pregnancy care again JUST INCASE lol You never know! lol

Saturday 2 June 2012

I cant help but have a feeling its wrong

So sitting here re reading everything and trying to go through the facts...

i seriously dont think i could be and ive raised my hopes for nothing!
how do they know theres nothing wrong with baby or anything ive had tonnes of medicines ive had 6 abortion tablets! Endless nurafen and ibuprofen so now im wondering what are the effects of all this to the baby?
I didnt even think to ask .. i was so bloody nervous scared and worried! It didnt cross my mind! What if what she saw was the old piece remaining? and it just looked like an embryo and sac?

Someones just said to me about getting bloods done, I definitely think im gunna look into it! i cant sit here and wait! And worry...

Also now im thinking ive been to the fairground on rides! GOD this is mad! I so know i will be gutted to know that im not! :( its gunna be so horrible that horrible lonely empty feeling will be back!

AND ive just done a test and its so very faint ... so faint infact! i cant still be pregnant! :( ill just re test everyday for the next week! and if i was it was have to raise again! x

I dont understand.. is this a miracle

JESUS.. TODAY HAS BEEN A MIND F~*K..

Lets start off, Today was my second follow up scan.
I sat there all morning waiting till 12 till have my scan to see if everything was finally out!
I need the closure i was thinking to make sure its all over!!

went to the scan and walked in the room today its really hitting home its all over..
When i walked into the room the scanning women said

"have you had any bleeding or passed any clots since the tablets?"

i replied

"No" ( as i took my last set of tablets on the 22nd may and nothing happened)

So she gave me a blanket and told me to get changed and to do a urine sample..
i walked into the room and done a sample and changed into blanket they gave you..

She came in and done the test and said its still positive.. so i said

"is that normal or does it mean there is still stuff left behind?"

she said to me..

"not necessarily"

I laid down on the same table and she started the internal scan.. and said

"Sorry theres still stuff left behind"

i said what does this mean now and she said..

"You need to talk to a doctor to discuss your options!"

i noticed that there looked like there was more left then before but didnt really think nothing off it!

I got off the table and I went and got changed and just thought... id had enough now! i want it over nearly a month has passed and its not over.., i cant do this anymore!!! :( so i thought fuck it just go for the d and c get it over!

i came out the room and she gave me letter that said gp! she told me to wait in the waiting room and the doctor would call me!

James sat there in the waiting room with the girls in utter dis belief it was still remaining! and he sat there took the letter labled GP and opened it! i sat next to him and noticed it said

GESTATIONAL SAC :PRESENT EMBRYO : PRESENT!!

I said to james shows how much they know it says present ive already passed the baby,... i sat there just not really thinking too much and suddenly then it hit me like a tonnes of bricks

WHAT IF ITS WRONG??

the girls were really playing up and running about the waiting room so i said to james take the girls down to get some food and ill meet you after ive seen the doctor! so he took them out and i sat there and then i thought i cant not say something so i went up to reception and said...

"is there a long wait to see the doctor and Can i see my hospital notes? "

they asked me why... and as they did the scanning lady came out of the room next to reception to call the next person!
She asked me why so i said

"On this letter it says embryo present! but i buried her two weeks ago??? it must be wrong!!!!"

she said

"But you said nothing come out!"

So i explained yes nothing come out after the second pill but baby come out on the first pill..

so she grabbed my notes and took off the scan picture they attached to the front of the book and said

"but this is a sac and this is a baby?"

So i showed her my phone and the picture of sienna and said NO THIS IS MY BABY!!!

so she said.. "

well then it COULD be the start of a early pregnancy!!!"

I stood and burst into tears! she said dont get upset wait in the waiting room and ill get the doctor!

i went into the waiting room and sat in tears! just thinking this HAS to be wrong!! how can i be pregnant again!

withen minutes she called me back in the same scan lady and said..

Ive looked through your notes there is no record of you being here on the 22nd..... BUT ive been there so i opened my red notes and there was a page the doctor had wrote in on the 22nd but no scan picture!
The women who done my scan said

OH IM SO SORRY, i was going by the scan on the 13th may where you could see a sac and baby and i just thought it had shrunk as its been so long i didnt realise that everything was out!!!

I said

"is it possible to get pregnant while pregnant and she said yes!"

she said she cant confirm that it is a pregnancy BUT can confirm there is a sac and what looks like a baby blob!

she done new measurements on the computer and said that by the measurements id be 5 weeks and 5 days!!!! HOLY FUCK WHATS GOING ON!!!




This is what they gave me!!







This is crazy it would mean i fell pregnant when already pregnant!!!

HOW ? can i fall pregnant when i was already pregnant!!!!

i dont get it im soo worried about it all ive taken abortion pills ive been in 4 xray rooms in the last 2 weeks with my youngest breaking her arm!!! Ive taken endless medication for feeling so shitty!

I cant wait now i have another scan in two weeks! on 16th june!! i cant wait that long i need another scan to clarify whats going on!

ITS WOULD BE A MASSIVE MIRACLE if i was pregnant can you imagine it ive done nothing but pray this was wrong my dream could come true! i dont know what to think i really dont!

i wanna get excited but i cant! :(

what do i do ? OMG im sooo confused!

As i left the room i said to the doctor am i pregnant and she said she wouldnt like to say i cant get excited although i wanna jump for joy and also cry at the same time!! :(