So i taken a MASSIVE step back in this pregnancy and im finding it VERY hard to connect or bond with this baby... I have odd moments where i think ohh i cant wait to have my baby, but then other odd moments where i forget completely that i am infact pregnant!
My mind is soo set to not get hurt that if i dont bond with this baby then i cant get hurt if the worst happens!
:( Its so sad that i feel like this and trust me ive tried my hardest not to feel this overwhelming guilt .. But i cant..
Each time i have a scan i cry thinking i shouldnt be this far! Each time i see women with bumps i think - That should be me! Not them!
I thought being pregnant so soon after the mc would some how help me "deal" or "get over" whats happened. But actually i dont think its helped! I dont think ive given myself enough time to get over everything and to emotionally deal with it losing a baby..
Its approaching my due date next month and i cant help but feel so awful that i will be 21 weeks pregnant on my due date when i should be having a baby! Its good its so near christmas though, then i can focus on my girls and there birthdays and christmas presents and then i know i have three months till baby is here! :D
I am excited about being pregnant dont get me wrong - But i am worried that when it comes i will think your not meant to be you! (that sounds so ridiculous doesnt it?)
But anyway....
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UPDATE ON THIS PREGNANCY
I am now 15 weeks exactly and due on the 3rd April :D However due to me having a C Section i will be brought in 1 week early so i take my due date as 26th March as that is the day i will be having my baby :)
So i had my twelve week scan and when i went in i was soo scared as its the same room where they told me Siennas heart had just stopped! But this time all was well the baby was being a right pain though and wouldnt turn round, cheeky monkey already... they spent nearly 45 minutes actually getting the baby to try and turn :D Although it eventually did they didnt get any decent photos!! :( So i was not happy... However ive now got my 18 week scan date for the 2nd November. I cant wait for it to find out what im having.. im hoping that after i know what im having that ill bond more!
here are some photos of this pregnancy xx
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this is my 8 week Scan picture - Second Twin was not seen.... So its just a single pregnancy....
10+4 Weeks - The exact amount of weeks i was when i lost Sienna
Here is my bump at 15 weeks
The reason im so big is cos i still have two sacs growing ... they are unsure as to why its still growing but....... they are just happy its not affecting the other baby.. :D Ill try and update again soon when i have more exciting news xxxxx
