15 Weeks Pregnant - Update.....

So Ive decided that maybe its time to update my blog - first i wanna say why i haven't updated before now...

So i taken a MASSIVE step back in this pregnancy and im finding it VERY hard to connect or bond with this baby... I have odd moments where i think ohh i cant wait to have my baby, but then other odd moments where i forget completely that i am infact pregnant!

My mind is soo set to not get hurt that if i dont bond with this baby then i cant get hurt if the worst happens!
:( Its so sad that i feel like this and trust me ive tried my hardest not to feel this overwhelming guilt .. But i cant..

Each time i have a scan i cry thinking i shouldnt be this far! Each time i see women with bumps i think - That should be me! Not them!

I thought being pregnant so soon after the mc would some how help me "deal" or "get over" whats happened. But actually i dont think its helped! I dont think ive given myself enough time to get over everything and to emotionally deal with it losing a baby..

Its approaching my due date next month and i cant help but feel so awful that i will be 21 weeks pregnant on my due date when i should be having a baby! Its good its so near christmas though, then i can focus on my girls and there birthdays and christmas presents and then i know i have three months till baby is here! :D

I am excited about being pregnant dont get me wrong - But i am worried that when it comes i will think your not meant to be you! (that sounds so ridiculous doesnt it?)

But anyway....

_________________________________________________________________________________

UPDATE ON THIS PREGNANCY

I am now 15 weeks exactly and due on the 3rd April :D However due to me having a C Section i will be brought in 1 week early so i take my due date as 26th March as that is the day i will be having my baby :)

So i had my twelve week scan and when i went in i was soo scared as its the same room where they told me Siennas heart had just stopped! But this time all was well the baby was being a right pain though and wouldnt turn round, cheeky monkey already... they spent nearly 45 minutes actually getting the baby to try and turn :D Although it eventually did they didnt get any decent photos!! :( So i was not happy... However ive now got my 18 week scan date for the 2nd November. I cant wait for it to find out what im having.. im hoping that after i know what im having that ill bond more!

here are some photos of this pregnancy xx

my tests

this is my 8 week Scan picture - Second Twin was not seen.... So its just a single pregnancy....

 10+4 Weeks - The exact amount of weeks i was when i lost Sienna

This is my Scan at 13+2 weeks

Here is my bump at 15 weeks


The reason im so big is cos i still have two sacs growing ... they are unsure as to why its still growing but....... they are just happy its not affecting the other baby.. :D Ill try and update again soon when i have more exciting news xxxxx

BIG UPDATE... BIG NEWS! - WERE PREGNANT!!!

Sooo here we are again... 


To say im in shock is the understatement of the century.. Who would have thought that less then 3 months after losing my baby id be pregnant again!
I cannot get over the shock of everything happening!!! 


BUT i am very happy...


Although a big part of me is very scared im feeling so much more positive then i was with my last pregnancy so im hoping that this is a good sign :)


So what can i tell you... I have my first doctors appointment on the 2nd August to get arranged and sorted for my antenatal. Im actually very worried about that more for seeing my snooty doctor who wasnt best pleased i went in the first time let alone me going in 4 months later to tell him again lol... But im hoping seeing as i had all the tests done only 4 months ago they wont make me have them again! Im still getting over the ammount of blood tests and everything i had last time!!!! 


So i found out i was pregnant on the 25th July and by my calculations id be 4 weeks and 3 days(pregnancy test worked out that i was 4-5weeks) but by my period id be 6 weeks and 2 days! Obviously when i see the doctors i will tell them my period dates and they will work me out more.... but im just very excited either way! no matter who you work it out!


Im happy that ive found out this week as ive got so much coming up in the next couple of weeks that the time is going to go so quickly. ive worked out i turn a new week every saturday so im going away Monday which will make me 5 weeks and 2 days... by the time i get back ill be 6 weeks... then 3 weeks after that ill be 9 weeks and then i go on holiday again! 


I think the nine week mark is when im going to panic most.. As My little lady's heart stopped beating between the 9-11 week mark! :/ So that will be a scary time, but the best thing about it is ill be in a nice sunny country and hopefully wont need to worry and the time you go on holiday it goes so quickly that i wont notice it and then 2 weeks after im back ill have my 12 week scan... unless the doctors call me for my scan at the period date of 12 weeks and in that case ill miss it as ill be on holiday! lol

Sooo other then that what can i say... 

Ive done over 12 tests :) and all have come back positive :)

So this time i plan on sharing every part of pregnancy! Cos when i lost my little lady i wished i had wrote more and told every detail.. so i had more to remember! so sorry guys your gunna have to listen to me moan alot more :)

Update...

So i havent updated in a little while just because i feel pretty rubbish and generally quite ill...

But heres whats been going on..

After the hospital .. I havent heard any more on that! i have another appointment on tuesday for another scan   so i should see a little more and know more or less whats going on..
I came on my first period since it all happen on the 16th :( that really hit home. It was like the end to a long and painful story it did really hit home that it is officially over!
When i noticed the blood was just after a shower and i looked down thinking i was feeling wet and the lovely clean white towel was now nicely covered in blood and straight away i was in tears! Im not to sure why though as i havent really had a good cry since about 5 days after it happened.. I think that was like the final clear out as such that it is indeed over :(
Although its a good thing that i could try again and hope for the best but at this moment in time as much as i would love another baby i dont think im gunna actually try. Because i know i would become a mad obsessive  that sat and tracked everything and then each month would feel like id lost a baby all over again knowing it hasnt happened! SOO for my own sanity i think its best i dont actually actively try.

So looking back on other things that have happened over the last few months seems like a daze. I did become abit crazy and would sit for hours feeling abit down and depressed but it got to a point where there is only so many miscarriage support sites and general coping or baby sites you can look at before you notice its making you feel worse rather then better, So i decided i needed a hobby, To be honest ive not really been into very much BUT then i remember after i lost Sienna someone sent me a bracelet to remember her with a small angel on it. I may have even uploaded the picture here i cant remember, But i remember someone sent me that and i thought hmm maybe i should try something along them lines so i bought all the bits and now ive become obsessed over that lol But its doing me the world of good! :) because its helping me keep my mind off of whats going on and if it helps me make some money then even better... :) I want to raise awareness too for miscarriage support and things like that im not tooo sure yet what exactly i need to do to raise awareness but i need to do something....

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Siennas-Designs/152691881531740

thats the page for the bracelets.. if anyone is interested then feel free to message me...

So other then taking my mind off of whats been going on and just the waiting till hospital nothing really interesting is actually going on!...

Hopefully next time ill update will be with better news it will probably be on tuesday after my scan :)

Take Care all Much Love xxx

Emergency Hospital App

So today im completely fed up of feeling so rough and being in pain ... so i decided to take myself down to the hospital as the pain is getting unbearable... Should really start by telling you that over the past 4 days ive been in agony! with a pain on my right hand side behind my hip bone and above. Its like my Ovary and it got too much today i decided to take myself down to the hospital!

So i woke up this morning after not sleeping yet AGAIN.... and just thought i have to go!

I got james to drop me down to the hospital, before he went to work and i went straight to the epau i knew they wouldnt see me but i thought im doing so anyway! im so fed up of being so ill!!!

I went straight down there and just waited at the reception! they agreed to see me :) they told me to wait to wait in the waiting area i waited for about an hour, as i sat there i noticed that there was about 10 other people waiting and i just thought they all have appointments and im gunna be waiting hours!

Lucky i had signal so i sat on facebook and just played games and before i knew it my name was called..
The doctor called me into the room and went through all my history and basically just told me she wanted to do an internal and blood test. She felt my stomach and it really hurt all on one side (my right) she then put a canular in my hand :( WHICH I DID NOT WANT!!!  nor did i want the blood test but nothing was coming out!!! :( which wasnt good... the doctor agreed to talk to the sonographer to see if she could scan me to see whats going on!

I sat there so worried incase she said no... i know i have an appointment on saturday but i just feel so rough! I wanna know whats going on.. The doctor came back in and told me that they will scan me to see whats going on!
I went down to the room and got changed into the that towel yet again and went and sat on the scanning chair the women joked about and said OHH your back!! I told her i may aswell pitch up a tent!! lol

She just laughed and started scanning me, Straight away she said is the pain on your right? on the ovary? I said yes she turned the screen and she said that is a cyst! it measures 5cm X 5cm ... Sounds quite big!
She told me not to worry and that its normal after pregnancy to get something like that!
I asked if i was pregnant? and she said sadly no its retained product i knew i was right and that women was wrong! :( But at least i wasnt losing another one! :(

they have given me antibiotics and cancelled my scan for saturday.. and told me to come back in 2 weeks to see how the cyst is going! Im worried incase its something bad or mean more stuff is being drawn out :(

heres the letter from the hospital...

Im hoping that the next scan will be better results...

Ill write again tomorrow...

Much Love xxx

A BIG Thank You!

Well i wanna start with my day and how things have been today and then i wanna say a massive thank you to a few people..

Today has been a random day where i realize that there are infact still nice people in this world..
I woke up to a lovely little parcel from a lady i met online when i lost Sienna called Paula.. I spoke to her once and she told me she was going to send me something a little gift from one grieving mother to another. I thought it was very sweet but didnt think much of it., I sent her my address and didnt hear nothing back anyway i wake this morning to this parcel and inside was a beautiful bracelet and a lovely set or earings :) and it said printed on the card "ever loss matters" and its so true!

To be honest i was soppy and actually cried! lol
Sad i know but it really does fill me with joy that someone took time out of their day to make a bracelet and earings and write out two poems and send them to me for nothing! Just to cheer me up! how very beautiful of her! To get nothing out of it but the fact of helping others made me cry.. Im gunna blame it on the hormones!
Here is the picture of my bracelet! I love it...

After that i decided to go and do another test and hopefully see that line get darker to confirm i was pregnant as i got the test out of the paper i saw the strip and thought its gunna be bad news!
Once i finished i placed the test on the side and waited to see these magic two lines appear and make me feel whole again but inside a slight slight slight pale pink line appeared no darker then before but slightly lighter !! :(
I went straight downstairs to check with the other tests to see if its darker! but it wasnt infact it was the lightest ive had! its time to face facts and just realize that you are not pregnant!

Now i have to wait till my scan on the 16th to find out for definite but im pretty sure if i was it would get darker rather then lighter! I would have loved to be pregnant but i cant do nothing but wish and wait!

I had a pregnancy reading done today from a psychic online and it made me feel more hopeful and id be very interested to see if she is right! she said i would fall pregnant  in august september 2012 and have a healthy boy in 2013 and see my pregnant again in 2015 with a baby girl! And it made me feel so positive to know that i will have more children i know its all a guessing game and life could change at any moment but it gave me hope...

Other then that today i havent done anything.. its been pretty rubbish really no money and no energy to do anything. I dont know how people just get on normally after a miscarriage!

Maybe i over think this! but to me it actually helps to write down what im feeling! Ive found also that staying part of a community of pregnant people makes me feel alot better... i joined a group when i was pregnant called DID12 (due in december 2012) and i havent been able to bring myself to leave it! Apart of it is nosiness i wont deny! But another part of me wants to be there to help anyone who has been through what i have! I know it isnt the biggest loss and i know there are people out there that have ALOT worse but when you are going through it, it feels like the worse thing in the world! and when i lost sienna and i had all these messages saying ive been there i know how it feels... all i thought was but your now pregnant! so no you dont know how it feels at this very moment in time! wrong i but when i spoke to people actually going through it at the same time made me feel better... so thats why ive stayed a part of that pregnancy community! because id love to be able to help.. sad i know... but if i can make someone feel better or less alone then ive done something good!

So i said i wanna say thank you to a few people...So .....

Firstly a massive thank you to my mum.. who has been my rock throughout this whole thing! and it means alot to have her close by to not only listen but come to appointments with me and all the other things she has done!

My next thank you is to my friend Amy... Who has been brilliant too.. she has listened to me been in shock with me and done everything a friend is meant to do! She has given me advice and  just been there in general..

Also Brooke, I dont really know Brooke very well BUT she has been brilliant we have spoken pretty much everyday and been there for eachother too.. its been lovely to have someone who knows how i feel.. means so much to me!

And also a special shout out to everyone on the DID12 group who although i wasnt due in December let me stay with them and even now im not pregnant i get messages and texts to ask how i am it means so much to me....

all my other friends too Kim, Holly, Portia and the rest of you all means alot to have you all here and have your advice xxx

and a massive special thank you to my biggest fan :D

KATIE CLARKE!!! 

Who reads my blog and quotes pieces to our friend Amy it genuinely means alot to have people read it and enjoy it!! i get so many views although after hearing amy today it seems its only Katie but lol thank you to everyone who reads it and a very big love to my friend Katie xxxxxxxx

Much Love all xxxxx

Still Confused!

Im still in shock - But im beginning to wonder if its possible?

I so much doubt it although every part of my body would LOVE love LOVE to be pregnant i cant help but think its not possible if what they are saying is right and the sac measures and the embryo measures X ammount. How would it have survived the blood loss and it was so much! and how would it survive another set of pills!? It really would be a miracle! Miracles dont really happen that often and especially to me!

I done a test yesterday and thought id do it everyday until maybe friday and see if they get darker! if they got darker then ill book a private scan.. But i dont wanna spend nearly 80 on nothing! to see the hospital got it wrong!

Well the test i done yesterday did come back positive ever so slightly and i done another test this morning and could barely see anything! so i left it but when i went back to it a hour later it was darker! But i know not the read the result after 10 minutes! But i dont know if that just applies to not knowing your pregnant cos it wouldnt come back positive if you wasnt pregnant surely ?

here is the picture of todays and yesterdays

Sorry its upside down, i cant turn it round!! But u can see that todays is slightly darker! But im not gunna raise my hopes IF and a big IF. if its darker say by wednesday then  i dont think theres gunna be no stopping me! x


Well ive started taking my pregnancy care again JUST INCASE lol You never know! lol

I cant help but have a feeling its wrong

So sitting here re reading everything and trying to go through the facts...

i seriously dont think i could be and ive raised my hopes for nothing!
how do they know theres nothing wrong with baby or anything ive had tonnes of medicines ive had 6 abortion tablets! Endless nurafen and ibuprofen so now im wondering what are the effects of all this to the baby?
I didnt even think to ask .. i was so bloody nervous scared and worried! It didnt cross my mind! What if what she saw was the old piece remaining? and it just looked like an embryo and sac?

Someones just said to me about getting bloods done, I definitely think im gunna look into it! i cant sit here and wait! And worry...

Also now im thinking ive been to the fairground on rides! GOD this is mad! I so know i will be gutted to know that im not! :( its gunna be so horrible that horrible lonely empty feeling will be back!

AND ive just done a test and its so very faint ... so faint infact! i cant still be pregnant! :( ill just re test everyday for the next week! and if i was it was have to raise again! x

I dont understand.. is this a miracle

JESUS.. TODAY HAS BEEN A MIND F~*K..

Lets start off, Today was my second follow up scan.
I sat there all morning waiting till 12 till have my scan to see if everything was finally out!
I need the closure i was thinking to make sure its all over!!

went to the scan and walked in the room today its really hitting home its all over..
When i walked into the room the scanning women said

"have you had any bleeding or passed any clots since the tablets?"

i replied

"No" ( as i took my last set of tablets on the 22nd may and nothing happened)

So she gave me a blanket and told me to get changed and to do a urine sample..
i walked into the room and done a sample and changed into blanket they gave you..

She came in and done the test and said its still positive.. so i said

"is that normal or does it mean there is still stuff left behind?"

she said to me..

"not necessarily"

I laid down on the same table and she started the internal scan.. and said

"Sorry theres still stuff left behind"

i said what does this mean now and she said..

"You need to talk to a doctor to discuss your options!"

i noticed that there looked like there was more left then before but didnt really think nothing off it!

I got off the table and I went and got changed and just thought... id had enough now! i want it over nearly a month has passed and its not over.., i cant do this anymore!!! :( so i thought fuck it just go for the d and c get it over!

i came out the room and she gave me letter that said gp! she told me to wait in the waiting room and the doctor would call me!

James sat there in the waiting room with the girls in utter dis belief it was still remaining! and he sat there took the letter labled GP and opened it! i sat next to him and noticed it said

GESTATIONAL SAC :PRESENT EMBRYO : PRESENT!!

I said to james shows how much they know it says present ive already passed the baby,... i sat there just not really thinking too much and suddenly then it hit me like a tonnes of bricks

WHAT IF ITS WRONG??

the girls were really playing up and running about the waiting room so i said to james take the girls down to get some food and ill meet you after ive seen the doctor! so he took them out and i sat there and then i thought i cant not say something so i went up to reception and said...

"is there a long wait to see the doctor and Can i see my hospital notes? "

they asked me why... and as they did the scanning lady came out of the room next to reception to call the next person!
She asked me why so i said

"On this letter it says embryo present! but i buried her two weeks ago??? it must be wrong!!!!"

she said

"But you said nothing come out!"

So i explained yes nothing come out after the second pill but baby come out on the first pill..

so she grabbed my notes and took off the scan picture they attached to the front of the book and said

"but this is a sac and this is a baby?"

So i showed her my phone and the picture of sienna and said NO THIS IS MY BABY!!!

so she said.. "

well then it COULD be the start of a early pregnancy!!!"

I stood and burst into tears! she said dont get upset wait in the waiting room and ill get the doctor!

i went into the waiting room and sat in tears! just thinking this HAS to be wrong!! how can i be pregnant again!

withen minutes she called me back in the same scan lady and said..

Ive looked through your notes there is no record of you being here on the 22nd..... BUT ive been there so i opened my red notes and there was a page the doctor had wrote in on the 22nd but no scan picture!
The women who done my scan said

OH IM SO SORRY, i was going by the scan on the 13th may where you could see a sac and baby and i just thought it had shrunk as its been so long i didnt realise that everything was out!!!

I said

"is it possible to get pregnant while pregnant and she said yes!"

she said she cant confirm that it is a pregnancy BUT can confirm there is a sac and what looks like a baby blob!

she done new measurements on the computer and said that by the measurements id be 5 weeks and 5 days!!!! HOLY FUCK WHATS GOING ON!!!

This is what they gave me!!

This is crazy it would mean i fell pregnant when already pregnant!!!

HOW ? can i fall pregnant when i was already pregnant!!!!

i dont get it im soo worried about it all ive taken abortion pills ive been in 4 xray rooms in the last 2 weeks with my youngest breaking her arm!!! Ive taken endless medication for feeling so shitty!

I cant wait now i have another scan in two weeks! on 16th june!! i cant wait that long i need another scan to clarify whats going on!

ITS WOULD BE A MASSIVE MIRACLE if i was pregnant can you imagine it ive done nothing but pray this was wrong my dream could come true! i dont know what to think i really dont!

i wanna get excited but i cant! :(

what do i do ? OMG im sooo confused!

As i left the room i said to the doctor am i pregnant and she said she wouldnt like to say i cant get excited although i wanna jump for joy and also cry at the same time!! :(

I think i know.. How she died!!!

So the other day as i sat there an idea came into my head after seeing a friend of mine upload a scan picture of her little one who has a possibility of having downs syndrome. It turns out they test for downs syndrome is the test the fluid behind the neck like the picture below...

Then i remembered my baby had fluid behind her neck.....

so i got out my photos and you can clearly see the fluid!!

This is a better view of an online picture to see

So this made me check my scan photo.. and sure enough you can see something..

Can you see the line behind her head? 

its making me wonder if she was downs syndrome

then i noticed she has the almond shape eyes...

I kept saying how beautiful her eyes were... love her! So perfect...

You can clearly see the fluid behind her neck here...

I find it a little better now knowing that she had something wrong rather then know it was me.. or worry it was me! 

at least this way i can kinda relax!

im slowly not hating the world anymore.. like they say everything happens for a reason! :( sucks to be honest    i should be like 14 weeks! and instead im not! :( things are slowly feeling better and its been 2 weeks tomorrow!!! thats so horrible ive had nearly 3 weeks to get us to not being pregnant and 2 weeks of knowing she existed! 

I miss her...

Thank you for reading

take care and much Love xxxx

What's this feeling? Ohh yes i remember, Normal..

So i NEVER thought id say this but i actually am beginning to feel normal!!

Who would have thought? 10 days after my princess said hello and goodbye, I feel okay..

I still have odd moments where i think OMG this is so awful, BUT... a big BUT.. I beginning to see now that although it was an awful thing to happen, It happened for the right reasons and i no longer hate the world... :D 

Who would have thought a week ago things could change so dramatically! Im not really feeling depressed or sa im just feeling normal... Im not feeling anything i wouldnt say im happy but i wouldnt say im sad neither.. I suppose this is a good thing.. I also feel like im doing some positive rather then making everything a negative. 

Ive had talks with abortion agencies who have asked to see the pictures and Ive spoken to campaigners called ONE SONOGRAPHER on facebook who have also said they may use the pictures for there talks around the country and America... So my baby wil be changing lives.. I also wanna help people go through awful stages of such a loss.. So im sorry if you have lost a baby and ive sent u a message wishing love and best wishes its not me being a nosey cow! lol But i know how nice and reassuring it was to have those messages from people just to say we havent forgotten you and sending love.. Random acts of kindness.. 

I hope people do think differently about loss after this... ive had alot negative comments like

" it wasn't even a baby!"

"why dont you have another one?"

"why are you grieving over something you never had?"

my argument to all those negative comments is 

it wasnt even a baby?? 

if a single cell was discovered in another planet scientist would say "we have found life on another planet" 

so why is a cell in a pregnancy considered a life???

to why dont you have another one? if your mum/dad/sister or nan died would you be able to just call someone else by that name..? and just forget about them? No, because to you there were your parent sibling or grandparents same as us! That was our baby and we cannot replace it! it is not a shoe that you lose and OH ITS OKAY ILL BUY ANOTHER PAIR... its not like that! 

why are you grieving over something you never had!!!

Ok imagine this..... You win the lottery you plan in your mind what your gunna do with all that lovely money! you plan practically your whole life... your told in 3 months you can have it on this day it will be yours! 

You have 3 months of planning your life.. then on that 3 month on that day you people take the money and you never hear another word!!! theres no one you can blame and your annoyed! cos you have planned all this stuff you wanted to do!!!

Thats how it is for us! we had plans for our children.. regardless of if they were here or not you still had plans some as you and your money!! 

So please be careful of what you say to people... 

I hope your all well and this is just a quick one to say im doing well and much love to you all xxxxxxx

Sooo The Product Of Pregnancy Remains!! :(

So today was my day to see the doctors and have yet another scan....
I waited in the waiting room and with my mum and both the girls as my appointment was at 9am.
I sat there and waited and wondering what they were gunna say. Last time i was here i had lost the baby and i never knew what was coming! This time no excitement of will i see my baby... just the cold hard reality that infact there is nothing there.

Sophie started bugging my mum to take her toilet and mum took her but Savannah wanted to stay with me!
I said to savannah, Sod's law says the minute she goes i will be called and you cant go in lol

Withen 30 seconds i heard Scarlett come through ... typical lol

I took savannah and hoped my mum would know we have been called in.. i went to the same bath room and changed into this towel... the same towel on the back of the door.. knowing that same of my happiness moments in this pregnancy was in that bathroom when i remember looking in the mirror in the bathroom and looking at my belly thinking wow! Your alive in there.... and now looking thinking that seems like a distance memory!!

i went and sat in the big chair and put my legs in the holder and she started the scan the whole time i could hear the lady making small talk with Savannah and Savannah just chatting away...
I didnt even realise it would be that quick but before i even had a chance to look at the screen she tilted it and said "It looks like there is still retained product of pregnancy!" she measured it all out and all i remember thinking was wow 38.7mm thats bigger then my baby ever was!
She said right just go and put a towel around you and go get changed and we can talk about your options.

The whole time i was in the bathroom all i could think of is wanting to show them pictures of my baby and let them see what "a bunch of cells" look like..

When i came out the bathroom i said to the ladies who performed my scan "can i show you something?" they  said yes  i told them i wanted to show them what my bunch of cells looked like.. and they said no dear its a baby i told them the doctors there didnt care! and they told me to flush her down the toilet. I showed them a picture and straight away one of the ladies (the same lady who scanned me at 5 weeks) said THATS A GIRL LOOK... and pointed out her little bits... even though i kinda guessed already and all the dreams ive had she was a girl it was lovely to have a professional confirm it!!! :D Finally my little princess! feels nicer saying it!

They just said how beautiful and how peaceful she looked and how wonderful and amazing it can be when it goes well... which i agree is true we have living proof all around us everyday!

I was told that i could either wait and see if the piece comes away by it self or i could have another pill to get rid of the last bit! I didnt want the pill i was in so much pain before and im a wuss no way did i want that pain again!! they told me that although i would be in pain it would be no where near what it was..  I told them id leave it to see if it came away by it self she made me another scan date for 2nd june and that was it, i left and was free to do my own thing!

Once i left i texted a friend of mine called Brooke who has also been through this before and she told me that she caught an infection and it wasnt very nice and she wishes she got it all over instead of having it drag out for ages! Having heard this it made me realise that maybe i did need to take the tablets to get final bits out! but i needed to take the girls to school, So i took them in and decided to go back! I knew i was in for a bloody long wait! So i told mum to head home and leave me there and ill call her once ive been seen. She dropped me off and i headed straight upstairs.. What a bit of luck i get in the lift to go up to the ward and the women who done my scan was in the lift! I told her i changed my mind and she was brilliant said she would speak to the doctor to sort it out for me!

I sat upstairs for maybe 10-15 minutes and the doctor called me in.. spoke about the tablet i know it all anyway same old thing i took the tablet and left!!

its now 9.10pm and still nothing ive had a fair bit of pain that comes and goes but no blood well not clots anyway!! its not looking good is it!!! :(

Well ill update you more tomorrow

take care all
Much Love xxxx

Guilt is my middle name...

So today has been a week since my little lady was born and i feel like i need to start moving on , But i dont think i can.. Yesterday was the first day that i havent cried, i did get teary eyed a couple of times but havent actually cried. Which is good i guess.. but then i feel guilty for not crying... i dont want her to be watching me and thinking "God my mummy isnt even upset..."
 But then a friend told me something that made alot of sense she said... its okay to feel okay...
and it makes me feel abit better.

Last night i had a dream that she was born and she was fine and when i woke up this morning i was looking for her.. it was sooo weird!!! it felt SOO REAL!!! Honestly i woke up devastated and nearly in tears at the thought it wasnt real!! :(

Im having mad moments where im thinking this christmas is going to be rubbish i can tell.. I should have a one month old baby at christmas and now im gunna have nothing!!! :( just a memory of my tiny baby!!! Its gunna be so heartbreaking knowing whats happened!

I asked james if he would ever consider having another baby, And he told me no! :( and he seems so genuine that he would never have another one! At first i was like "Nope never again, i couldnt cope if it happened again id be suicidal " But now im beginning to think that if we did have another one and the worst did happen again at least i know she wouldnt be alone up there.. and she would have someone else to be with... But james is adamant never again :(

I dont wanna feel like id be replacing her... BUT i do think that we could try again once this is all over!

So on to the gory subject, Its been a week and i am still bloody bleeding do you know how fed up i am now of bleeding!!!!
The only thing thats really getting on my nerves is the smell! IT IS AWFUL... it smells of rotting i called the hospital who told me it was normal to have that awful smell towards the end of it! But this is bleeding with no end in site! i cant imagine ever not bleeding again! Ive gone through about 9 packs of 12 always sanitary towels in just over a week!!!
I have hospital on tuesday for my scan to make sure everything is out and i have the worst feeling everything is still gunna be inside!ive passed the worse clots in the early days and every other day ill pass lots of gunk! but other then that its just brown manky horrible smelling blood!

BUT ON A BRIGHTER NOTE!

Theres a psychic night at one of the local pubs and to say i really wanna go is an understatement!!! I wanna go and see a clairvoyant and say if they have anything to say! id love my little sienna to come through! i would be in tears and thats not exaggeration you do not know how excited id be! i just wanna know she is okay and being taken care of! thats all i need to know before i could move on and know she is safe!

Im gunna start heading out aswell this week i need to start getting back in touch with normality i cant remember the last time i spoke to someone with normal conversation without having all that worry!
so school run tomorrow it shall be. And im meant to have a friend come over tomorrow im very worried about that! i dont wanna sit there in tears! but we shall see!

Thank you to everyone who has read these and given me support i thank you from the bottom of my heart
im going to keep them going maybe not everyday but to fill you all in on how im getting on and whats happening.. please feel free to contact me or just send me a message...

Much Love to you all... xxxxx
 

Coming to terms with reality...

So its been 1 week and 3 days since my whole world pretty much ended and its been 5 days since i met my tiny princess. The last week and a bit have been a total blur, i couldn't tell you whats happened this last week as everything has been a everywhere..

Things have been a bit all over the place. i still haven't left the house, i still dont really wanna see anyone.. even the friends im closest too i dont wanna see! I think its the whole idea of sitting there and have to be strong and put on the brave face, Im not the sort to break down in tears or really show much emotions in front of people.. so to have to sit there and say im fine is just something i cant do right now!

Id rather people just ignore the subject.. not that i want her forgotten but i dont want people to really mention it.. unless i bring it up. That sounds so mean..

James asked me yesterday if i was gunna go to the school eventually as he has been taking them and mum picking them up.. BUT, i can imagine it all in my head now.. Someones gunna say "Hi how are you? i heard your news, im so sorry.. how you feeling about it all?" and in reality you just say "Oh thanks, im okay coming to terms with it all, but thanks for asking " ... but the way im feeling right now.. i know id say something like " well to be honest i feel like im dying, its the worst thing in the whole world!" But i cant imagine that going down to well.. so i think until the anger stage is over or im learning how to be "normal" again... and im using the term normal loosely as ive never actually been called normal lol But until its over i cant go!

Im slowly seeing that it wasn't my fault and its just a sad thing that happens and so often to the wrong people!
But ive realized it wasn't my body that done it, infact my body was bloody brilliant, it held on to her till the very last minute... it was just a sad twist of fate.. and she obviously wasnt strong enough to hold in there which could of caused her problems in later life..

I know people are saying im blaming myself.. which in some way is true... but i dont think i am, i think im just questioning what it was that made it happen.. And also alot of people dont remember its only been a couple of days! im not gunna "get over it" right away... i dont think you ever get over something so hard and horrible you just learn to live with it... the past couple of couple of days ive felt like i havent been living ... ive been existing in a world thats moving on without me and ive been stuck in my own little bitter world! Yesterday i didnt write in the blog i didnt have much to say there is only so much you can read about how someone is so depressed! Its not nice!

But on a better note, Although ive started to see who my real friends are. Ive actually made some really really good friends through this horrible journey! Its sad how you make such good friendships out of such a sad situations but i suppose meeting people in the lowest time you know they are always gunna be there when they have seen you at your lowest! xxx

I made my daughter a memory box yesterday it was beautiful i put all her bits in there its lovely to look at. I also wanted to print out the pages of these blogs and put it in there as if anything ever happened to the website id lose everything :( , so im gunna put it all in her box... its so sad to think her whole existence fits in a little box.. And i also printed out some of her photos and put them in a frame in my front room/living room.. James has told me not to do it and how its very upsetting to see, BUT its our daughter if people are offended in my house then dont come in! i havent put them in public places and ive warned people but posting them on here.. but in my house its my house i can put what i want up! <3

Hope everyone is well take care and much love xxxx

Im missing you so much- I cant cope!

To mummies little princess,

I wish i could explain to you just what i feel.. I feel like im dying... every part of me is hating the world today.. i cant bring myself to be happy.. why did you have to leave baby.. what made your heart just stop? i keep looking at your hospital letters from the scan and clear as anything - fetal heart - present! and what point did it become absent.. I cant stop thinking of everything it could of been.. was it carrying the shopping home once? was it when i met the girls in town for a coke? bet i left so soon and was there half hour drank one coke and left... was it when i cleaned the house or cleaned the rabbit hutch... i dont know what i did to make you go...

I dont think i can get by. Someone said to me, once you have another one it gets easier?? How, will i suddenly forget you existed because i have someone else in my womb.. will my dreams of being a mother of three suddenly be perfect again... I dont think so.. cos from day one i didnt think of the bouncy baby at the end of it.. i didnt think oh i cant wait to dress you up and take you out... I wondered, Is she gunna have curly hair or straight hair? will she laugh like her sisters when i pretend to sneeze? i wonder what type of personality is she gunna have? So no it wont get better because i didnt want a "baby" i wanted you!! And only you!

Why me? What have i ever done? Ive always been kind, considerate and caring.. if it means going with out so someone can have something id do it.. if i had a tenner to last me a week and someone needed it. I wouldnt think twice before giving it to them..Ive made friends with everyone no one talks to the real hard people to get to know give them all my time and effort into making there lives better for them to become popular and never speak to me again.. but i still found pleasure in helping them. Id do it over and over again because i knew i was making a difference and making someones life better. Ive sat for hours trying to rescue mice the cats brought in.. ive sat for days and night hand feeding baby rabbits to help them live.. I've even walked round tesco's with baby rabbits down my bra to help them keep there heat when there mums rejected them... and this is how god re pays me? Ask him why?

Why take you? there's murderers, rapist and child molesters out there? wasting our air and you werent given your chance? How is this fair? who decides these rules? when you meet them tell them they suck!

I cant help but hate the world since you've gone.. ive always found the goodness in everything but losing you is making me bitter... im changing! I dont wanna change but i cant help it i just hate everything!

i went shopping today to buy you a box a memory box i decorated it and filled it with all your bits and i thought maybe it would help but it didnt.. infact it made it worse that everything to prove you existed fitted in a tiny box! :(

GOD I MISS YOU... i miss you so much its making me sick!

i keep rubbing my belly for reassurance and instead of feeling warm and fuzzy to know you are growing safely i look down and just see nothing, Nothing but a cold and empty stomach with no love or warmth i cant imagine feeling that love again...

I wish i could talk to you! i wish i could hold your hands or tickle those tiny feet and let you know how much i love you and tell you just how much you have changed my life!
I promise you, you wont die in vain baby.. i promise you even if i have to make it my lifes work.. You will save lives.... you will change lives... you will make people feel better i promise you...

To the world you may be one person
But to me, You was the world... <3

its been a week today since i was told you had a heartbeat and you was fine, What happened? What happening?.....

-------------------

Burying our baby and hating the world!

I seriously just dont know how ive been so good with everything so far ive woke up in such a bad mood!
Firstly it started off with checking my little princess to see she has shrunk even more so... :(
I dont think she could last any longer :( James's mum said we could use the family burial plot so i thought maybe that was a good idea as we could have a proper place to go and visit her! BUT she could only do it on Sunday so i said to james why dont we do it ourselves because she is just falling apart :(

So he phoned her and luckily she said we could do it tonight after work! So as James was off today we decided to go out and buy my little lady her box... Trying to find something perfect yet small enough was proving to be hard work.. we ended up getting her a plan brown box which i decided to paint cream and gold... but it didnt go to well so i ended up painting it all gold.... and it looked beautiful... I decided i also wanted to put her inside something else not just in a box.. so i bought a small heart trinket box.. and decided to paint it pink... it was beautiful here is a picture once it was finished ...

It did look beautiful even if i do say so myself.. it was perfect for my little princess...

I asked the girls to draw her a picture and i also wrote a letter myself i know she cant read it but i wanted her to have something from me to her....

here are the letters...

And the girls drew her this...

I then included a picture of us..

 Now she has a photo of me and her dad and her sisters :(

But she shouldnt have photos she should be growing in my belly and ready to meet them in 5 months !!! :(

I took some more pictures although she has shrunk she looks so beautiful still i cant get over how beautiful she is....

Look at those tiny feet....

Look at her cheeky smile and tiny little fingers.

Look at how much she has shrunk :(

Once i got her out the water and put her on the blanket to go in the heart.. she tucked her knees up and tucked her hands under her face its like she knew that was her bed and she was going to sleep...

Sleep tight little angel...

inside her box her heart that her tiny body is in.. and her little cow that was with her cow and get book.. some photos of us her letters and her drawings ...

and on the outside of the box i put

here is where my baby now lays

Here comes the bitter part!

How is this justice? How can someone just take my baby... why wasnt she even given a chance... i hate everything and i hate everyone... im feeling so horrible today... ive done nothing but cry..

When we drove to the cemetery i just sat there... i felt like i wasnt taking in anything around me anything that was said... i was numb... its so weird to not feel nothing! i didnt feel angry hurt upset i just felt nothing...

while james was digging this hole i thought why is she in there... in this tiny gold box in hand... she shouldnt be in there in a years time we should be here and james should be saying lets lay some flowers for grandad and let him meet his newest grandchild! But instead she is meeting her grandad now!! WHY? why did this happen? I did everything by the book... honestly i really did..

i dont drink nor smoke i took all the vitamins.. i didnt eat the wrong food's.. i ate things i hate just to get the right levels of iron and things that where needed! BUT no instead god had other plans! I done all the blood tests to see if everything was okay... but No.. it obviously wasnt meant to be.. although my arguement today is , if  it wasnt meant to be then i wouldnt have got pregnant!!! ... I know im hating the world :*(

Tonight i dont know how to feel it feels so odd not having my baby here...but im glad she is at peace... I dont really know what to say today...

Ill write another one tomorrow...

Much Love
xxx

The Day After Yesterday! Yesterday Continued...

So after yesterday im still getting over everything that happened..

My first thought when i woke up this morning was OMG IS SHE OKAY...

But maybe i should carry on with yesterdays story... i was so eager to upload her photos i didnt really tell half the story and i wanted everyone going through this to know how it was horrible it was and how much pain it was. Ill try and describe everything to the best of my ability...

So once she came out and my mum had left i just sat there staring at her.. and wondering what happens next?
I still hadn't taken the other tablets and as she was out i didnt know if i needed to or not!
So i decided to phone to local EPAU (early pregnancy assessment unit) and ask for there advice.. they told me i had to take the other tablets as i needed to get all the rest out! :( So i took our daughter down stairs and changed her into another tub and smaller pink one! A more girlie one... I took the tablets and the pain began again almost instantly :(  but i just sat there trying to push through the pain.. the girls kept coming over to see what i was messing about with so secretively in the corner and i thought do i show them, i didnt wanna upset them but maybe seeing her would explain where she went , rather then one day "Oh im pregnant she is gunna look like this, and she is gunna sleep here, and you have to be good cos mummy needs to rest cos babies growing ... to oh the baby went to heaven..... " Maybe showing them would be good.. so i called them over and said to them..

"you know the medicine mummy had to take, well that medicine made our baby come and see us before she goes to heaven.."

they sat there in amazement and just stared at this tiny baby.. is was nice to have all my children in one room probably one of the last times it would happen :(

I Still hadnt touched her at this point, i wanted too but was just so worried incase i hurt her or something happened to her... But slowly i got the courage to put my finger in the water and slowly touch her hand... and then i thought im gunna pour the water into my hand and let her sit in my hand... :(
as i did i couldnt help but worry.. but as the water trickled into the palm of my hand and she glided onto it.. i was in shock she was like Jelly.. as if you got some jelly in the palm of your hand.. withen second i could feel the coldness... it was like holding ice... :( I couldnt do it anymore and put her back... and as much as i love her.. and there honestly are no words in the world that could explain how much i love her.. :(

I feel so bad that i couldnt hold her.. but im not strong enough... i put her in back in the little pink tub and put her on the window seal out of reach so no one could touch her im just so worried about dropping her or moving her... or knowing what to do with her.. im so scared! :(

Later that evening the blood continued so bad... i was told if i filled more then 3 sanitry pads an hour to go to  the hospital.. but i didnt want to.. In totual i done 14 pads in about 6 hours.. and im feeling really weak at this stage but im not being away from my babies any of them.. for me to go hospital.. for them to stick me in a bed with a drip i dont think so.. I kept running to toilet and they told me i was gunna pass clots but my god! This wasnt clots they were really big.. so big i actually had to push to get them out.. you could feel like jelly being pushed through then suddenly youd hear it hit the water! :( it was disgusting..

i decided after hours of continuous bleeding that i should just go and have a bath to ease the pain... but after 5 minutes of being in the bath it was full of clots and the water was a horrible yellowy colour!
the girls come up to see if i was okay cos all i could do is breathe through the pain.. they were in so much shock.. at the ammount of blood.. although having them there was good because it took my mind of it everything going on!i decided to get out the bath as i just couldnt cope i felt so weak my skin was so pale and i genuinely believed i was dying! i showered myself off to get all the blood off and just got out the bath and started drying myself off and then Sophie my youngest said MUM THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE...

The blood had poured down my legs... it covered my cream carpet and i was just in so much shock i had just got out the bath and now im covered again!!! i re showered myself and i just couldnt get the blood to stop so i had to put the knickers on in the shower they were soaked! :( i just cleaned the carpet and got in bed to relax! I thought id start writing this blog.. one to take my mind off of it.. and two cos i wanna remember everything the way it was.. i started writing the blog and just as i was gunna finishing.. i heard my cat outside fighting with another cat so i shouted down to james to sort it out.. he didnt answer and the girls were getting upset and worried incase it hurt him... i got up and went down to the garden to get him in when i got back to our kitchen all of a sudden a massive and i know mean was bigger then the palm of my hand clot fell out and the floor was completely covered in blood it was dripping all the way down me and it looked like id be murdered my daughter came down cos james was to busy being sick! he hates blood..
Sophie came down and she was so upset she even run up and told  my eldest i was dying! both my girls where in tears... they wouldnt come near me james had to sort them out there really was so much blood!!!!

i managed to get some knickers that my eldest brought me down and some new pads and just washed the floor down and at this stage james was begging me to go to the hospital.. but i insisted i wasnt going...

I cleaned myself up and went up to bed.. and that was my day over...

_____________________________________________________________________________

Today ive woke up still in a fair bit of pain but the blood has stopped more or less thank god im not surprised as i dont think i could of lost anymore blood! im still in some pain and its still really low down i hope the pain stops soon though i dont think i could cope anymore :(

Ive been in a bit of bad mood as some people i find are just very rude! And i hate most people anyway lol so when im so angry i hate people even more so! :( Its little silly comments that make me upset..
i know i shouldnt but i cant help but take comments to heart... which is mad cos anyone who knows me will tell you im very thick skinned but for some reason this week ive been a crying wreck i can understand cos im going through alot.. And i dont think maybe its hit me totally whats actually happening but i need to take notice soon enough..

So for now baby is still in my little pink tub.. we have decided to bury her with james's family... they have a little plot so we are putting her there. So tomorrow im gunna head out and buy something for her to go in.. like a nice box... im gunna put her teddy and some family photos in it with her.. as she is my beautiful little princess i only want the best for her...
Ive been looking online to find something perfect for her! But i just cant see anything that matches how lovely or how loved she was...

Im feeling very ill today.. i have no energy the blood loss is really getting to me.. my mum saw me earlier and said how ill i looked! i know i look ill cos im so pale.. but i dont care! normally i love my make up and being seen with nice hair and looking nice.. but my attitude is changing and im just thinking if someone seeing me without make up and looking rough is the worst thing that ever happened to me id be a lucky women!
Hearing people moan about little things is making me realize how much i didnt appreciate my life.. id be one those people who would always be like OMG THIS HAPPENED IT WAS THE WORSE THING EVER!  How wrong was i?

this just feels like a bad dream i cant awake from i sometimes wonder if im gunna wake up in a minute and it would all be over and none of it was real.... Its amazing how much your body can love something....

Words cant explain how much love i have for her!

I saw this poem on a friend of mines wall...

They say there is a reason,They say that time will heal,But neither time nor reason,Will change the way I feel,For no-one knows the heartache,That lies behind our smiles,No-one knows how many times,We have broken down and cried,We want to tell you something,So there won't be any doubt,You're so wonderful to think of,But so hard to be withoutand its soo fitting..

I love you Sienna my little lady nothing will ever change that no matter the time or distance my love for you will never change xxxx


Much Love to you all xxxxx

Baby Sienna - WARNING GRAPHIC PHOTOS..

So as normal Im gunna start with how everything been today.. and ill add the photos later...

So last night about 11pm i starting getting a dull ache really low down in my fanny... more along the bikini line...
I didnt think much off it so decided to leave it and just go bed..
I knew i had my medical management today so just thought if it happens by itself then even better...

So i woke this morning and had what could only be described as a brownish dis charge.. but it wasnt like you expect it was more watery substance.. I thought this is the start of it.. i started getting that dull ache back again and slight back ache but nothing alarming. A little while later i noticed what could be described as more brown discharge but with a little bubble of jelly blood in the middle. I carried on getting ready and Me and James dropped off the girls to my mums and made our way to the hospital as i had an appointment at 11am...

We got to the hospital and went straight to the front desk and told them i was there for the last step of my medical management. They sent me straight in a room and she came in withen minutes took my blood pressure which was perfect and told me that the pills could start something withen minutes to 2 weeks! I laughed and said to james "i bet its me that has it for two weeks!!" she told me to walk around and come back in 30 minutes to re check blood pressure and that was it!

To be honest nothing happened no pain no blood no nothing! Went back and was checked and told i was allowed to leave! :D I was happy but also feeling really bad that i was looking forward to getting her out of me and just having this part over! She gave me the box of tablets and told me that i took the first two at 12 so the next two where due at 4pm and i had to take them.

Once i was home it all happened fairly quickly.. i went to the loo and wiped and there was a fair bit of blood.. i needed to take my second lot of pills 4 hours later so i just waited then all of a sudden BANG... the pain and OMG.. i am the biggest wimp ever... I dont care what people say that is painfull... i sat there and every now and then id feel what only could be described as popping inside me.. not like bubbles but ripping.. like if you was to rip a plaster off.. that feeling of your skin being pulled thats what i felt.... EWWW i hated it...

I phoned my mum to tell her how i was feeling and the pain and hung up and then withen about 1 hour of the first pain... i was on the phone again and i said to my mum i wish it would just happen!!! and then all of sudden a POP... i said to my mum omg this massive pop in my belly as i opened my legs slightly to adjust my pad ( gross i know sorry about the tmi lol ) all the water and blood gushed out!!! OMFG.. "mum, i think thats my waters." i run to the loo and the blood was everywhere.. i mean EVERYWHERE.. on the sink, my arms, legs toilet seat and floor.. Needless to say i have alot of cleaning to do lol... All of it come out and i sat there for about half hour! till it stopped then... i realised that i hadnt taken the other tablet and it was nearly 4.30pm so i called james up and asked him to bring me the tablets and some milk... He brought them up and knocked at the bath room door... ..............

I got up to open the door and all i heard was something hit the water... Without thinking i looked.. and all of a sudden i could see this TINY.. baby.. i burst into tears just shouting NO NO NO, I DIDNT WANNA SEE THIS!!! James was like whats wrong???? i said, she is there! he looked in the toilet in shock!!! She was there this tiny tiny baby.. with ten fingers and ten toes...Just sitting on top of all this paper which was covered in blood and there was my tiny baby! My Baby... My Baby...

I called my mum and she just said "Scarlett, Im sure she looks like a real baby, cos you know what she is meant to look like!" I said no, she is sooo real.. she is a real baby.. and she said im coming over! to see the baby and see if your okay... I think she could tell how upset i was.

Apart of me couldnt bare to look at her... Because what if she looked horrible, or what if she had bits missing how could i live with knowing that.. But i couldnt bare to leave her there so i got the nearest clean tub i could find and picked her up while trying to get her... all i could say was..

Im so sorry baby, Im so sorry....

I know ive done nothing wrong but i couldnt believe that my child was in the toilet... dead... the child that i planned her whole future.. an the same toilet i found out i was having her.. and then hit me.. This is the only day for the rest of my life that me and my daughter will be in the same room... Ive met my daughter... through the tears i sat there just staring at her.... My baby was here! My baby was in my hands.. 6 months too early these tiny fingers should be holding my hand... but instead there in a lid ...and un aware that im even touching her!!!.. :( i was so scared to touch her incase she broke or i hurt her fragile body but eventually i did she was soo cold.. my poor baby...

Suddenly my mum turned up and when she saw her she was nearly in tears.. she just said OMG SHE IS REAL... she is so amazing looking! im in ore of how wonderful she looked...

When my mum left i just sat  there the pain had gone and the blood was just unbelievable..

Ive never seen so much blood in my whole life!

Ive kept my baby in a jar, until i sort something out tomorrow im thinking of burying her.. oh and also i checked her and i could see the beginnings of a fanny lol So my little lady she is.. I knew it all along...

Other then whats happened i cant really tell you very much the blood is unbelievable.. the pain is very very intense... even now at 9.30pm the blood and the severe clotting is still going strong! Im in agony to be honest.. writing this keeps my mind off the pain... below are some the photos of today...

Ive taken random photos of everything so anyone going through this knows what to look for.. ive looked online for images earlier of the beginnings of a miscarriage and i found nothing! So maybe this can help people....

Ive also included picture of My daughter so if you dont wanna see please dont look.. Some might find it upsetting... xxx

This is the light brown discharge it started with...

When the blood first started..

My tiny baby...

Well ive had one busy mad day so im gunna leave you all and hope i havent upset you all too much..

Much Love

XXX