2 days after... Is this is Sign

as i sit here feeling sorry for myself i suddenly notice on the tele how there is a programme and they are showing a disabled girl and how hard her life is with all the problems she has and suddenly yet again im in tears.. is this a sign that maybe everything happens for a reason.. i sit here and cry and think how awful it is to not have our baby with us.. But would i really want her here and by like the girl on the tele with no quality of life.. i think i know the answer.. 

Im slowly coming to terms with all and how it wasnt meant to be.. i really dont wanna be one of those mums who go on and on about how sad there life is.. cos in reality im bloody lucky compared to some.. 

Although this is a awful thing to go through i have alot more then others and should grateful... <3

So i think Ive come to the conclusion that i need to take this tablet for closure more then anything. Each time i go to the loo im thinking is it going to be now i see something? is it today  :( 

ive seen alot of online photos of miscarriages at the stage i was and its all so clear a proper baby.. i know if i saw that id be devastated even more so. But then i cant keep on like this! and the d&c is not an option so the only way to get through this is to see the doctor and get the pill.. Least its closure and its all over...

Someone asked me if i was gunna try again once everything was over.. and my honest answer is no.. I dont think i could ever go through this again.. and i know id worry from the minute i found out to the minute it was born and its not fair to put myself through it again..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I made a picture up of all the baby stuff to remember everything 

I just wanna remember everything and not forget nothing xxx

12 Week Scan + Total Devastation ....

Maybe i should start by telling you the week i had... rather then how awful its ended.. As you have probably guessed i have lost my baby...

All this week Ive had the weirdest feeling that something bad had happened... I know it sounds weird but i was just feeling soo empty...
The week started with cramping in my belly but not too bad and i just had really really bad headaches. The headaches lasted for about 5 days it was awful i didnt wanna leave the house and i was in bed at about 7 every night! i just felt awful.. Eventually after 5 days of constant headaches i went to the hospital and told them that something was wrong i waited 2 hours to be seen to be told we cannot do anything unless you are bleeding and that they have to take it one step at a time.... I pleaded with her and told her that i knew something was wrong but she said she could not do nothing and to wait it out.... amazingly the day i went to the hospital i was infact 9 weeks and 1 day!!! which will make more sense later.

To top everything off at exactly 10 weeks pregnant i fell down the stairs as my daughter had left her book bag on the stairs EVERYTHING seemed like it was against me! i looked online trying to find out if it was a bad thing to worry about and everywhere said the same thing....

Falling in pregnancy is best to be done in the first trimester as the baby is well protected... by the uterus

So that put my mind at ease, But then the next day i was in agony with my back it took me around 20 minutes to actually get out of bed... this made me worry more as severe back ache is a sign of miscarriage... So every night i tried for hours to find babies heartbeat with no luck. i knew all of this pain would be worth while in a couple of months when i had my tiny baby in my arms.. hearing her heartbeat would just make everything feel alot better.. but sadly that heartbeat never came.

7th May - 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant.


Today i woke up after having a really weird dream - i went to the doctors and they told me that i had to have my baby now! i told them i was barely 11 weeks but they insisted i was wrong and told me i needed to get her out now! i argued and told them if they scanned me they would see that i was only 11 weeks!
It was so weird cos it felt like they wanted me to get rid of my baby.. i told them no and i woke up....
A big part of me was excited to see my baby on screen tomorrow but another part couldnt help but think i know its going to be bad news! i could every minute of the scan in my mind i could picture her getting a second opinion and just saying sorry....
But i decided to shake off that feeling and take my girls out for the day.. to try and pass the time till tomorrow!

When we were out i couldn't help see signs in everything i saw 13 single magpies... we sat at table number 13 and just so many little coincidences that all made me think tomorrow is going to be bad news!

That night i came home yet again and tried to find my babies heart beat with my little monitor i sat there for ages with the creams and the head phones in total silence and sat there listening... i couldnt hear anything no swoshing nor swashing just silence with every now and then some odd gargle noises.. But in the end i thought noo im gunna leave it and see what happens tomorrow!

8th May 2012 - Scan Day..

So yet again i woke up from a dream where i had my baby at exactly 11 weeks and she was prefect this tiny baby.. staring up at me and both my girls there holding her... BEAUTIFUL...

So i get up and remember that you need to drink a pint of water an hour before so i sat there with this big cup and starting sipping at it.. and for once i didnt worry... i knew what the outcome would be... i waited for my mum to come over to take me hospital for my scan as james was working!
When we got to the hospital in the waiting room there was loads of pregnant women so we waited round the corner and withen 20 minutes they called my name....

As we walked in the room the lady said your a little early to be having this scan its meant to be from 12 weeks so you may have to come back.. i thought she was going to say go home and we can re book and i just thought no way am i waiting anymore! so i pulled my trousers to under my belly and laid down before she could tell me to leave lol
She said well lets have a look at the dates.. as she got the scan thing i told her that not to worry if the baby had past away as i already knew and she was confirming what i knew!

As she sat there for less then 30 seconds i could see my mums face she was looking at amazement at my tiny baby on screen and for that split second i thought maybe i was wrong... maybe she was fine.. But when i looked at the lady doing my scan you could see worry on her face... i just said its not there is it... she looked and said when did you say you noticed something was wrong.. i told her about a week ago.. she then looked at me and said im sorry but i cant find a heartbeat i said whats it measuring when did it pass away and she just sat there and said about a week ago.... I knew i was right... i couldnt have been wrong you know in yourself that something isnt right.

She then got up and said i need to get a second opinion.. i said but its gone hasnt it.. she just looked and said... It doesnt look good, Im sorry... she left the room and i said to my mum can you anything on the screen and she said yes so i got up and turned it round to see our baby....

You could see a perfect little baby the hands/arms and feet this tiny head and a big bright patch of white where her little heart should have been...

The lady then came back in the room with someone else .. who basically just took the scan thing and waved it accross my belly and said there is where its heart should be.....
Im sorry but it looks like you have misscarried.. I asked her for a picture and she said are you sure i said yes i wanna remember they existed.. and have memories of my baby... because although she isnt here there wont be a day nor minute that goes by where she isnt in my mind...there isnt a family picture i cant look at and see a space for her!

At first i saw the good in it.. It died for a reason my baby wasnt well.. i know that everything happens for a reason and that really its a good thing it happened now rather then later... i didnt cry nor moan i just sat there and said thank you for being so good about it all ... she told me she was sorry and said i needed to see a doctor to discuss my options!  She took out into the waiting room and said go toilet and then wait there and ill take you up..

When we go up to the doctors the waiting room was a blur my mind was everywhere.. and then suddenly it hit me.. how am i going to tell my girls.. they have been so excited.. especially my eldest then i remembered that i gave the girls a massive speech about how if they left stuff on the stairs and i fell i could lose the baby.. and suddenly in the middle of the waiting room i sat there in tears.. suddenly it hit me that she would think she done it! after managing to compose myself the doctor called me in...she basically said i had 3 options

One to take a pill to bring on labour to make you contract and your body reject the baby..

Two to have a operation to remove all the contents of everything inside.

Three to let nature take its course.... and let it come out naturally

Now this is the part im finding hard to deal with... 1 by no means what so ever are they going to break up my baby by the op to remove it.. my baby is very much welcome in my body...
2 i am not having no pill reject my baby.. My body is doing its best to provide for that baby and to just reject it cos of some tablet telling my hormones that not to bother anymore just doesnt seem right... how can i reject something i want...

I choose to let nature take its course... My baby came in naturally she can leave naturally...

As the doctor sat there talking to me i just thought I  was here a week ago and no one did nothing... they should listen if you say something is wrong.. I know thats their job and they do it everyday but when you lose compassion for what you do in something as delicate as that, then you shouldnt be in that line of work...
To them its just another missed misscarriage but to the person its happening to its their world. She said you dont have to make a decision now just come back in two weeks for another scan and make sure everything is out if it isnt by then we do need to move things along with the pill or the operation..

I know now and i can promise you that my body will not reject this baby... there isnt another child in the world that is more loved nor wanted this one.. my body wont reject it...

9th May 2012 - No weeks pregnant....

Ive woken up today feeling empty lost and like something is missing... at least before i knew it wasnt alive there was a glimmer of hope and now nothing... All ive done is cry and wonder why?? why has my body done it? why did it just stop? was there something wrong? Im so angry at myself the one thing a womens body is meant to do and mine cant do it properly ...

And to top it off i have my dead baby inside me... I could leave it there forever and it wouldnt care cos at least its there and it existed.. but when you know that everyday could be the day when it has to go, it leaves you thinking am i choosing the right thing to leave it naturally or do i go for the easy option and take the pill and then its over.. its dealt with and the only way is forward ... or will this get to weeks down the line and suddenly it comes and i have to deal with it all again.. grieve all over again... feel like complete crap all over again... I dont know what to do.... I wish the choice could be made for me... then i would just have to deal with it....



I wonder why im writing this all.... but when i started writing this i did for a couple of reasons

One i wanted to remember everything about my pregnancy i wanted to show them when they were older..

Two if maybe one person saw it and it put there mind at rest then it would be a good thing.


and now Three.... Ive wrote this so that if you ever feel like something is wrong dont ignore it go with your gut instinct because as a parent your never wrong... Dont take no for an answer!!! it might not change the out come of whats gunna happen but it might... never live wondering if you done the right thing xxx

Our baby passed away 28th April 2012 ..... Rest In Peace little baby Mummy Daddy and Your little sisters love you forever... x

Baby Heartbeat... No wait Its MINE :(

Haven't wrote a blog for a while cos i didnt wanna fill up my blog with complete rubbish...

But as promised ill let you know all the fun sides of pregnancy no matter how stupid i am .. :( 

So a friend of mine very nicely lent me a angel sounds fetal heart monitor which i was over the moon to have.. and sat there that night and decided to give it a go.

I got the machine all out and set it up and got the only cream i could find which was face cream lol

but hey it would work!

i placed it on my belly and heard tonnes of swoshing and swashing.. and water and loads of other funny noise's.

But no heart beat dont know what exactly i was expecting to find but i was most certain i would hear a heartbeat however after nearly an hour of hearing loads of water NOTHING :(

So every night for 2 weeks i tried listening and then eventually i heard BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM....

AT LAST I FOUND IT!!!

Oh boy did i brag! i was so happy i phoned everyone i could think of to tell them ... infact if it was possible to get it written in the sky i would of lol...

what a sigh of relief it was to hear my little baby... EVERY NIGHT and i mean every night without fail i would go to my room to listen to him or her.. and just sit there and think wow your alive inside me.... :D There's no nicer feeling.... Sometimes i would sit there for hours just listening to how wonderful this little life was growing inside me!! :D

THEN....

One night i decided to record my babies heart beat and upload it to my blog and you tube for you all to hear... and then... i went on you tube to hear others who were at the same stage as me and there's were nothing like mine :( mine was all slow and normal and theres were really really fast.. and it sadly dawned on me that all this time i had infact been listening to my own heartbeat :(

To say i was gutted was by far the understatement of the year... i went to bed and i could of easily sobbed all night! :( 

The next morning waking up and not knowing if my tiny baby was even okay was awful... that horrible un knowing if its even there still.... i literally moped about all day and did nothing... it was horrible..

It took at least a week to actually get over it and i had my self convinced that i am no longer pregnant. Everyday seemed the day that the worse could happen and i actually stopped counting how pregnant i was.. and even now at exactly TEN WEEKS im still unsure if i am pregnant. I know its odd and ive had scans and blood tests and endless, endless pregnancy tests confirming it but theres still a niggerling feeling something is wrong or something isnt there :(


But Ive had to cheer myself up abit and just think whatever will be will be no matter if i heard it or not.. hearing the heartbeat would not stop anything bad happening.. and thats the way ive had to think about it! :(

I still feel abit down about it but i am trying every night to get a heart beat with no luck, however i have my 13 week scan on Tuesday :D (8th May 2012)  although i will only be 10 weeks and 4 days pregnant im still looking forward to seeing everything and seeing if my baby is okay :D 

Thank for listening to me and any questions feel free to message me .. or comment i will reply to all messages :D x

Much Love xxx

First Antenatal... Appointment

So today is the day i turn

8 Weeks... 

And today i feel a big relief as apparently the miscarriage rates drop to about 2%...

Which okay is still high for any sort of worry you might have, but i have reached this mile stone  :D

So its my first antenatal and i was feeling soo very excited.. Ive hoped from the beginning that getting "that red book" would make me feel a whole lot better about it all and maybe it would sink in (for those who dont know that red book is your antenatal notes and labour records)... up until now it hasnt sunk in completely...

and after getting these notes..... it STILL hasnt sunk in! lol

So i went into the clinic and had both my girls with me and went to the counter she looked at me with this huge smile mad me feel so much better about going.. Normally going to these appointments i hate the idea of them looking at me thinking ohh you already have two children why you having more!!! but this lady was really friendly she handed me a wee sample cup and tube and asked me to do one for the midwife so i took the cup to the toilet and tried to do it with two kids in toe bugging me outside the door... ARRRGGGGHHH stress....

finally done it and went outside and waited with the horrible wee cup covered in tissue so no one could see... However everyone does the same so everyone must have known what it was lol but to me NO ONE knew lol 

Withen minutes the midwilfe called me into the room and went through all the questions they ask you...

like

have you ever had a miscarriage/stillbirth/abortion or live birth??

Does your partner hit you??

Do you feel scared at home?

Do you work?

What meat do you eat?

Have you had previous children etc etc?

it took about an hour and the kids drove me mad, but as i looked at the clock we were slowly getting there!!! :D Woo Hoo

Then i heard those dreaded words you need a blood test!!! WHAT??? a blood test NOW??? 

I've never known a blood test to be done at 8 weeks but NOPE cos its me i needed to get it done... 

she told me to head out to the room opposite hers and go get it done quickly and as we walked out the room the doctor women had the needle at the ready! saying the delivery was coming now and if we rushed we could get it done on time to be sent today!! i literally sat there trying not to cry while the girls said to me...

"MUM, thats a big needle you need to be brave"  THANKS girls!!! lol

but i sat there like a good big girl as she took at least 20 pints of blood!! OK 20 might be an over statement but i swear it was at least 4 tubes lol!!!

she said to me ohh you have warm blood!!! i said yes, thats fear for you!!!! :( they laughed and sent me back to the midwife ... 

Back in the room she handed me a white bag filled with 6 boxes of multi vitamins and loads of leaflets for different things like milk and nappies samples!! You know all the normal bits!!

As i looked at it all she said to me that i would need to come back in August for GTT for anyone who doesnt know its called a GLUCOSE TOLERANCE TEST.. They basically ask you to starve or fast as they put it for 12 hours before get you to have blood test and give you a pure sugar drink that tastes disgusting and then wait an hour and then take another blood test to see how quickly your body processes sugar just incase you get diabetes.... I have declined this although she told me THIS IS NOT ADVISED!!! maybe in august i would have changed my mind! BUT dont ask me just after I've had a big needle lol

I think somewhere in my records it must say

"Has a needle phobia, give needles at every possible appointment!"

Im still suffering now... But i will recover soon..

I got my 12 week scan through so i feel abit better its for the 8th May ill be just 10+4 days so im hoping you can still see everything thats needed to see.. otherwise its going to be a waste of time!

I cannot wait to tell everyone! although dont get me wrong this isnt the worlds best kept secret anyone who has spoken to me in the past 8 weeks knows! BUT lol i wanna put it all over facebook... 

no reason why i just want to maybe then it will seem more real! :D 

so ive gone on and on about rubbish.. if anyone wants to message me or ask me anything feel free to send me a email at 

scarlettxlane@yahoo.co.uk 

Much Love

xxx

First proper scan baby seen :D

So today is the day I have been waiting for....

16th April 2012... at 4pm 

I went to the hospital to finally see our baby at 7+2 weeks pregnant!

As they called my name i walked up to the scan room where a very friendly lady waited and told me that she would be scanning me... she asked me if i had had any pain or problems she should know before the scan.. i told her i had some slight cramping and a few worries but nothing too extreme!

I got changed into the same old towel they leave on the back on the toilet door and went to sit in the huge chair with those leg and feet holders and waited for her to scan me...

I couldn't help but think she was going to say no I'm sorry but you have lost the baby.. dont ask why but i just had a very strange feeling that maybe this wasn't going to be good news like i had hoped :(

She began the scan and next thing she said was "ill turn the screen around in a minute for you to see ..." as all you can see when having an internal scan is the ceiling and the side of her face as she is slowly staring at this screen.... She then says all looks fine and turns the screen and all of a sudden this massive sigh of relief from me, but as i stared at this screen i could see no heart beat suddenly i just felt like.. its happened.... then she zoomed in and you could see this tiny little flickering on the screen a fuzzy black and white tiny flicker of the black and white colour... who knew something so small would make you feel so happy!!!

I asked her if there was any chance i could get a picture and she said "You may, But please dont get it out in the waiting room, as there is people who have lost babies waiting" :(

 I said okay and couldn't wait to get my print of the baby :D

I left the scan room and noticed on the letter she has given me with the baby scan picture, Had a due date of 30th November which means I have been put forward a day :D. Now i know that sounds silly but i was soo happy its like a day less i have to wait! :D 

When i left the hospital my mum was waiting with the girls outside and i showed her the picture and she was like it looks like a mouse! which in theory it looks like.. well... a white mark on the screen lol but that tiny white mark is my tiny baby ..... <3

Suddenly it dawned on me OMG IM HAVING A BABY!!! a tiny baby!! i so dont feel prepared!!!! 

so here is the picture of my tiny little man.. Im convinced its a boy....

 Now in all  fairness it does look like a tiny blob on the screen but its soo tiny... just makes me feel so happy to know he is fine and doing well in there .....

He had grown 11mm since the last time i went two weeks ago which isnt really a lot BUT its gone from like a grain of rice size to the size of a blue berry... 

Ive promised myself that once ive had my 12 week scan i will start buying small bits like nappies wipes baby shampoo etc .. and when i have the 20 week scan i shall begin to look into maybe buying the bigger bits.....

For some reason this time round ive been VERY cautious in telling people or looking or buying things.

Im not to sure why. But I just feel i should wait until i know everything is okay... mad i know but something feels so different this time... i think its knowing all the horror stories around when i had my two girls the internet wasn't such a big thing (well for me anyway) so you couldnt look up the slightest tingle or pain or stitch where as now the smallest thing round and bang its a miscarriage or eptopic pregnancy!!! too many horror stories for my liking!!

So girls or guys please dont take everything you read on the internet seriously as so many people are quick to tell you the bad... but not all aches or pains or bad... best to relax and let be.. 

cos at the end of the day the future we cannot change xxxx

Much Love

Scarlett

Blood Test's & Early Scan

So last week i was in some pain, and went to a&e. They did a pregnancy test on me even though at this point i had already done 5 tests lol as i sat there waiting for her to do the dip test i was hoping god i hope im not wrong or im gunna look soo stupid lol
As she pulled out the test to do i watched her dip it in and after maybe 30 seconds have a worried look on  her face she looked and said are you sure your pregnant? to which i just said "its negative isnt it?" and she replied Yes it is..... To be honest i dont know how i didnt burst into tears! i could feel this massive lump in my throat as i watched her go to throw the test in the bin.. then she said suddenly "OH WAIT its positive these tests are rubbish!!!!!" the sigh of relief was overwhelming and then i thought if i was getting positives why did this take so long to become negative!! talk about worry me more then was needed!

Eventually they sent me up for an early scan.. which i thought would put my mind at rest... after waiting over 6 hours to finally be seen i saw the lady who finally done my scan to be told there was nothing there :'( i was GUTTED a big part of me thought.. id lost it :( she told me to go down for a blood test and then go back on Friday for another test to see if my hormone levels had risen...

As i went for my blood test i was just thinking just go home, you've lost it anyway why go through more pain for nothing :(  but they called me through and i had the blood test and moaned like a baby (i hate needles) and they said they would call me monday with the results!!  Lets hope and pray all was okay!!!


MONDAY!

So i woke up this morning to a phone call at 8.15am to an Unknown number could this be the hospital i thought!
I answer to hear "hello, We have your blood results back they have doubled thats a good sign could you come today for a scan at 11.45am" they also said that my hormone levels where 500 on wednesday when i was 4 weeks and 4 days and 1,300 on friday at 4 weeks and 6 days :D...  i agreed to go and started getting ready to leave.. panicking is this a good sign they want to see me?
As i watched the clock seem to not move i thought bugger it im leaving now at half ten an hour and 15 minutes early :D I got there and signed in nearly an hour early. I had both my little girls with me who sat so well waiting for them to call me into the scan room. Then all of sudden a nurse said Scarlett come in now... I got up and went in and she gave me a blanket and told me to go to the toilet and changed from the waist down and cover myself in the blanket.. as i got changed in the toilets i sat there thinking GOD i hope this goes well!!
I came out wrapped in my towel and look at this massive chair with feet holders in them i sat down and hoped she would find something before i new it she was scanning me and i could not help but stare at her face and watch for the expressions on her face to see what she could see. She raised her eyebrows and i thought .. Nah its time to except that i might not be pregnant..... she looked and said well theres the sac and yolk and the embryo....:D:D:D:D:D i said REALLY??? she said one moment and ill turn the screen.. she then turned the screen and i could see a tiny baby she showed me everything and was like everything looks brilliant the baby is in the perfect position in the uterus smack bang in the middle!!! :D
Then she stopped and said im happy with that now if you wanna go into the bathroom and get changed we can talk about the result!!

As i was in the bathroom i could have easily cried i could feel myself welling up and i just stood there with my hand on my belly thinking wow your actually in there :D.. I came out and she handed me a letter for the GP and then told me that i had to come back in 2 weeks for another scan to see if babies heart was ready as at the moment there is still no heart beat as its still very early and babies heart doesnt start until 6-7 weeks of pregnancy. So i have another scan 16th April im so excited to see it :D as i came out of the hospital curiosity got the better of me and i opened the letter for the gp and it said

Which is good everything can be seen.. other then the heartbeat but he is working on it in there :D

Im feeling so much better about it all... i know baby is growing fine.. I wanna tell the world but know i shouldnt until i know heartbeats okay :D and baby is growing well....

So lets hope he doubles in size by the 16th :D xxxx

5 Weeks and 1 Day Pregnant!

Hi Girlies and Guys,

I thought id start this blog to show you the otherside of pregnancy that you dont see!

So you see all your friends saying "By the way, Im Pregnant!!!" and you may think Awww...

You see all these things about blooming in pregnancy an all the nice things!!!

But hold on, that is by no means what ive been going through lol sooo here is my pregnancy!!!

So ive spent most of last night awake, feeling SO sick!

the worst thing about feeling sick is not being sick because you just cannot get rid of that horrible feeling...
And why people pay to get pregnant! its beyond me lol
The first couple of months are just a nightmare, i love the fact you get a lovely beautiful bouncy baby at the end of it. But the whole sicky and unsettled stomach is so not good!
Last night i could of easily cried with how crap i felt! :(

But on the plus side i think its all good that im having these symptoms as it shows my hormone levels are high and thats what is causing all this bloody sickness!

At the minute im obsessed by buying and doing Pregnancy test's.... I think its cos where i didnt plan on getting pregnant its like OMG! so every time i go past a chemist i think ohhhh i have to buy one! Despite the fact i have two other children and have been through 2 other pregnancies before and know what to expect im still in shock!

So my first pregnancy was 8 years ago now, she was planned and it happened very quickly infact in the first month of trying i fell pregnant :D I was over the moon.. But i was 18 and had so much going on that i didnt even notice many pregnancy symptoms... Sorry tell a lie, the first thing i noticed was how my legs would ache. Do you remember in school or just after a long run when you suddenly stop and then you have that tingley feeling in your legs kinda like a pins and needles feeling but just not so sharp? well thats how i would feel.. But after doing the most sillyiest of things like walking up stairs or walking anywhere steep. But this time i have that as well.. MADNESS! what pregnancy does to you!

My second pregnancy - was nearly 6 years ago now.. She wasnt planned but we have one accident one month and a whole 3 weeks later a positive test... ARRRRGHHH lol i was soo worried having less then a 2 year age difference. But it worked out really well. Second time around NO symptoms at all... So when i found out baby number 3 was on the way i thought woo hoo this is gunna be a walk in the park! :D

HOW WRONG WAS I?

This is buy far the worst start to a pregnancy ive had... not bad as in horrible things have happened, but as in pain and sickyness and all the other wonders that come with pregnancy!

SOOO ive gone way of topic like normal (i do this alot lol) but back to the pregnancy testing. Ive now done in total 9 tests in 2 weeks! and any one buying tests will tell you for a decent one they arent cheap!

BUT im so pleased that last night i had my first ever very very very dark positive!

Where ive always tested soo early ive always had very very pale ones but this is soo clear there is no denying it!! :D

IM PREGNANT!! WOO HOOO :D