Biggest Update date yet...

Hiya Everyone,

Thank You so much for reading this and stopping by every now and then to see how we all are...

I can now give you all a massive update..

I finally had my baby GIRL..... on the 26th March 2013 .. at 9.55am weighing 6lbs 6ozs

We called her 

Cassidy Hope 

There are honestly no words that can express how happy, relieved, overwhelmed and estatic i am to have this all over and have my beautiful baby girl here finally safe and sound..

My pregnancy was fine no real troubles at all and went fairly smoothly.

I cannot believe that it has been a year nearly since losing sienna. There isnt a day that goes by where i don't think - what if???.. and its an odd feeling a bitter sweet kinda of thing. Im still devastated after what happened with Sienna and nothing will ever change that, But at the same time i know if it wouldn't have been for that awful time i wouldn't have my little princess now! So its hard.. hard to be happy and sad all in one occasion.

I will come on at some point this week and update this in properly but for now ill just share a few pictures..

These pictures are me whilst pregnant with my little lady 

And here is mummy little rainbow.... Beautiful are what???

thank you all again and much love to you all xxxxxx

15 Weeks Pregnant - Update.....

So Ive decided that maybe its time to update my blog - first i wanna say why i haven't updated before now...

So i taken a MASSIVE step back in this pregnancy and im finding it VERY hard to connect or bond with this baby... I have odd moments where i think ohh i cant wait to have my baby, but then other odd moments where i forget completely that i am infact pregnant!

My mind is soo set to not get hurt that if i dont bond with this baby then i cant get hurt if the worst happens!
:( Its so sad that i feel like this and trust me ive tried my hardest not to feel this overwhelming guilt .. But i cant..

Each time i have a scan i cry thinking i shouldnt be this far! Each time i see women with bumps i think - That should be me! Not them!

I thought being pregnant so soon after the mc would some how help me "deal" or "get over" whats happened. But actually i dont think its helped! I dont think ive given myself enough time to get over everything and to emotionally deal with it losing a baby..

Its approaching my due date next month and i cant help but feel so awful that i will be 21 weeks pregnant on my due date when i should be having a baby! Its good its so near christmas though, then i can focus on my girls and there birthdays and christmas presents and then i know i have three months till baby is here! :D

I am excited about being pregnant dont get me wrong - But i am worried that when it comes i will think your not meant to be you! (that sounds so ridiculous doesnt it?)

But anyway....

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UPDATE ON THIS PREGNANCY

I am now 15 weeks exactly and due on the 3rd April :D However due to me having a C Section i will be brought in 1 week early so i take my due date as 26th March as that is the day i will be having my baby :)

So i had my twelve week scan and when i went in i was soo scared as its the same room where they told me Siennas heart had just stopped! But this time all was well the baby was being a right pain though and wouldnt turn round, cheeky monkey already... they spent nearly 45 minutes actually getting the baby to try and turn :D Although it eventually did they didnt get any decent photos!! :( So i was not happy... However ive now got my 18 week scan date for the 2nd November. I cant wait for it to find out what im having.. im hoping that after i know what im having that ill bond more!

here are some photos of this pregnancy xx

my tests

this is my 8 week Scan picture - Second Twin was not seen.... So its just a single pregnancy....

 10+4 Weeks - The exact amount of weeks i was when i lost Sienna

This is my Scan at 13+2 weeks

Here is my bump at 15 weeks


The reason im so big is cos i still have two sacs growing ... they are unsure as to why its still growing but....... they are just happy its not affecting the other baby.. :D Ill try and update again soon when i have more exciting news xxxxx

BIG UPDATE... BIG NEWS! - WERE PREGNANT!!!

Sooo here we are again... 


To say im in shock is the understatement of the century.. Who would have thought that less then 3 months after losing my baby id be pregnant again!
I cannot get over the shock of everything happening!!! 


BUT i am very happy...


Although a big part of me is very scared im feeling so much more positive then i was with my last pregnancy so im hoping that this is a good sign :)


So what can i tell you... I have my first doctors appointment on the 2nd August to get arranged and sorted for my antenatal. Im actually very worried about that more for seeing my snooty doctor who wasnt best pleased i went in the first time let alone me going in 4 months later to tell him again lol... But im hoping seeing as i had all the tests done only 4 months ago they wont make me have them again! Im still getting over the ammount of blood tests and everything i had last time!!!! 


So i found out i was pregnant on the 25th July and by my calculations id be 4 weeks and 3 days(pregnancy test worked out that i was 4-5weeks) but by my period id be 6 weeks and 2 days! Obviously when i see the doctors i will tell them my period dates and they will work me out more.... but im just very excited either way! no matter who you work it out!


Im happy that ive found out this week as ive got so much coming up in the next couple of weeks that the time is going to go so quickly. ive worked out i turn a new week every saturday so im going away Monday which will make me 5 weeks and 2 days... by the time i get back ill be 6 weeks... then 3 weeks after that ill be 9 weeks and then i go on holiday again! 


I think the nine week mark is when im going to panic most.. As My little lady's heart stopped beating between the 9-11 week mark! :/ So that will be a scary time, but the best thing about it is ill be in a nice sunny country and hopefully wont need to worry and the time you go on holiday it goes so quickly that i wont notice it and then 2 weeks after im back ill have my 12 week scan... unless the doctors call me for my scan at the period date of 12 weeks and in that case ill miss it as ill be on holiday! lol

Sooo other then that what can i say... 

Ive done over 12 tests :) and all have come back positive :)

So this time i plan on sharing every part of pregnancy! Cos when i lost my little lady i wished i had wrote more and told every detail.. so i had more to remember! so sorry guys your gunna have to listen to me moan alot more :)

Update...

So i havent updated in a little while just because i feel pretty rubbish and generally quite ill...

But heres whats been going on..

After the hospital .. I havent heard any more on that! i have another appointment on tuesday for another scan   so i should see a little more and know more or less whats going on..
I came on my first period since it all happen on the 16th :( that really hit home. It was like the end to a long and painful story it did really hit home that it is officially over!
When i noticed the blood was just after a shower and i looked down thinking i was feeling wet and the lovely clean white towel was now nicely covered in blood and straight away i was in tears! Im not to sure why though as i havent really had a good cry since about 5 days after it happened.. I think that was like the final clear out as such that it is indeed over :(
Although its a good thing that i could try again and hope for the best but at this moment in time as much as i would love another baby i dont think im gunna actually try. Because i know i would become a mad obsessive  that sat and tracked everything and then each month would feel like id lost a baby all over again knowing it hasnt happened! SOO for my own sanity i think its best i dont actually actively try.

So looking back on other things that have happened over the last few months seems like a daze. I did become abit crazy and would sit for hours feeling abit down and depressed but it got to a point where there is only so many miscarriage support sites and general coping or baby sites you can look at before you notice its making you feel worse rather then better, So i decided i needed a hobby, To be honest ive not really been into very much BUT then i remember after i lost Sienna someone sent me a bracelet to remember her with a small angel on it. I may have even uploaded the picture here i cant remember, But i remember someone sent me that and i thought hmm maybe i should try something along them lines so i bought all the bits and now ive become obsessed over that lol But its doing me the world of good! :) because its helping me keep my mind off of whats going on and if it helps me make some money then even better... :) I want to raise awareness too for miscarriage support and things like that im not tooo sure yet what exactly i need to do to raise awareness but i need to do something....

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Siennas-Designs/152691881531740

thats the page for the bracelets.. if anyone is interested then feel free to message me...

So other then taking my mind off of whats been going on and just the waiting till hospital nothing really interesting is actually going on!...

Hopefully next time ill update will be with better news it will probably be on tuesday after my scan :)

Take Care all Much Love xxx

Emergency Hospital App

So today im completely fed up of feeling so rough and being in pain ... so i decided to take myself down to the hospital as the pain is getting unbearable... Should really start by telling you that over the past 4 days ive been in agony! with a pain on my right hand side behind my hip bone and above. Its like my Ovary and it got too much today i decided to take myself down to the hospital!

So i woke up this morning after not sleeping yet AGAIN.... and just thought i have to go!

I got james to drop me down to the hospital, before he went to work and i went straight to the epau i knew they wouldnt see me but i thought im doing so anyway! im so fed up of being so ill!!!

I went straight down there and just waited at the reception! they agreed to see me :) they told me to wait to wait in the waiting area i waited for about an hour, as i sat there i noticed that there was about 10 other people waiting and i just thought they all have appointments and im gunna be waiting hours!

Lucky i had signal so i sat on facebook and just played games and before i knew it my name was called..
The doctor called me into the room and went through all my history and basically just told me she wanted to do an internal and blood test. She felt my stomach and it really hurt all on one side (my right) she then put a canular in my hand :( WHICH I DID NOT WANT!!!  nor did i want the blood test but nothing was coming out!!! :( which wasnt good... the doctor agreed to talk to the sonographer to see if she could scan me to see whats going on!

I sat there so worried incase she said no... i know i have an appointment on saturday but i just feel so rough! I wanna know whats going on.. The doctor came back in and told me that they will scan me to see whats going on!
I went down to the room and got changed into the that towel yet again and went and sat on the scanning chair the women joked about and said OHH your back!! I told her i may aswell pitch up a tent!! lol

She just laughed and started scanning me, Straight away she said is the pain on your right? on the ovary? I said yes she turned the screen and she said that is a cyst! it measures 5cm X 5cm ... Sounds quite big!
She told me not to worry and that its normal after pregnancy to get something like that!
I asked if i was pregnant? and she said sadly no its retained product i knew i was right and that women was wrong! :( But at least i wasnt losing another one! :(

they have given me antibiotics and cancelled my scan for saturday.. and told me to come back in 2 weeks to see how the cyst is going! Im worried incase its something bad or mean more stuff is being drawn out :(

heres the letter from the hospital...

Im hoping that the next scan will be better results...

Ill write again tomorrow...

Much Love xxx

A BIG Thank You!

Well i wanna start with my day and how things have been today and then i wanna say a massive thank you to a few people..

Today has been a random day where i realize that there are infact still nice people in this world..
I woke up to a lovely little parcel from a lady i met online when i lost Sienna called Paula.. I spoke to her once and she told me she was going to send me something a little gift from one grieving mother to another. I thought it was very sweet but didnt think much of it., I sent her my address and didnt hear nothing back anyway i wake this morning to this parcel and inside was a beautiful bracelet and a lovely set or earings :) and it said printed on the card "ever loss matters" and its so true!

To be honest i was soppy and actually cried! lol
Sad i know but it really does fill me with joy that someone took time out of their day to make a bracelet and earings and write out two poems and send them to me for nothing! Just to cheer me up! how very beautiful of her! To get nothing out of it but the fact of helping others made me cry.. Im gunna blame it on the hormones!
Here is the picture of my bracelet! I love it...

After that i decided to go and do another test and hopefully see that line get darker to confirm i was pregnant as i got the test out of the paper i saw the strip and thought its gunna be bad news!
Once i finished i placed the test on the side and waited to see these magic two lines appear and make me feel whole again but inside a slight slight slight pale pink line appeared no darker then before but slightly lighter !! :(
I went straight downstairs to check with the other tests to see if its darker! but it wasnt infact it was the lightest ive had! its time to face facts and just realize that you are not pregnant!

Now i have to wait till my scan on the 16th to find out for definite but im pretty sure if i was it would get darker rather then lighter! I would have loved to be pregnant but i cant do nothing but wish and wait!

I had a pregnancy reading done today from a psychic online and it made me feel more hopeful and id be very interested to see if she is right! she said i would fall pregnant  in august september 2012 and have a healthy boy in 2013 and see my pregnant again in 2015 with a baby girl! And it made me feel so positive to know that i will have more children i know its all a guessing game and life could change at any moment but it gave me hope...

Other then that today i havent done anything.. its been pretty rubbish really no money and no energy to do anything. I dont know how people just get on normally after a miscarriage!

Maybe i over think this! but to me it actually helps to write down what im feeling! Ive found also that staying part of a community of pregnant people makes me feel alot better... i joined a group when i was pregnant called DID12 (due in december 2012) and i havent been able to bring myself to leave it! Apart of it is nosiness i wont deny! But another part of me wants to be there to help anyone who has been through what i have! I know it isnt the biggest loss and i know there are people out there that have ALOT worse but when you are going through it, it feels like the worse thing in the world! and when i lost sienna and i had all these messages saying ive been there i know how it feels... all i thought was but your now pregnant! so no you dont know how it feels at this very moment in time! wrong i but when i spoke to people actually going through it at the same time made me feel better... so thats why ive stayed a part of that pregnancy community! because id love to be able to help.. sad i know... but if i can make someone feel better or less alone then ive done something good!

So i said i wanna say thank you to a few people...So .....

Firstly a massive thank you to my mum.. who has been my rock throughout this whole thing! and it means alot to have her close by to not only listen but come to appointments with me and all the other things she has done!

My next thank you is to my friend Amy... Who has been brilliant too.. she has listened to me been in shock with me and done everything a friend is meant to do! She has given me advice and  just been there in general..

Also Brooke, I dont really know Brooke very well BUT she has been brilliant we have spoken pretty much everyday and been there for eachother too.. its been lovely to have someone who knows how i feel.. means so much to me!

And also a special shout out to everyone on the DID12 group who although i wasnt due in December let me stay with them and even now im not pregnant i get messages and texts to ask how i am it means so much to me....

all my other friends too Kim, Holly, Portia and the rest of you all means alot to have you all here and have your advice xxx

and a massive special thank you to my biggest fan :D

KATIE CLARKE!!! 

Who reads my blog and quotes pieces to our friend Amy it genuinely means alot to have people read it and enjoy it!! i get so many views although after hearing amy today it seems its only Katie but lol thank you to everyone who reads it and a very big love to my friend Katie xxxxxxxx

Much Love all xxxxx

Still Confused!

Im still in shock - But im beginning to wonder if its possible?

I so much doubt it although every part of my body would LOVE love LOVE to be pregnant i cant help but think its not possible if what they are saying is right and the sac measures and the embryo measures X ammount. How would it have survived the blood loss and it was so much! and how would it survive another set of pills!? It really would be a miracle! Miracles dont really happen that often and especially to me!

I done a test yesterday and thought id do it everyday until maybe friday and see if they get darker! if they got darker then ill book a private scan.. But i dont wanna spend nearly 80 on nothing! to see the hospital got it wrong!

Well the test i done yesterday did come back positive ever so slightly and i done another test this morning and could barely see anything! so i left it but when i went back to it a hour later it was darker! But i know not the read the result after 10 minutes! But i dont know if that just applies to not knowing your pregnant cos it wouldnt come back positive if you wasnt pregnant surely ?

here is the picture of todays and yesterdays

Sorry its upside down, i cant turn it round!! But u can see that todays is slightly darker! But im not gunna raise my hopes IF and a big IF. if its darker say by wednesday then  i dont think theres gunna be no stopping me! x


Well ive started taking my pregnancy care again JUST INCASE lol You never know! lol